


Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by InTheMidnightRain



Series: Don't Ask, Don't Tell [1]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Child Abuse, Drinking, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, French Characters, Human Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Human Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Humanoid, I gave Alastor as well as Angel random last names, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Italian Character(s), Italian Mafia, M/M, Mild Language, Murder, Non-Human Humanoid Society, Other, Overdose, Overdosing, Past Abuse, References to Drugs, Soft Husk (Hazbin Hotel), Substance Abuse, Suicide Notes, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Underage Drinking, Underage Substance Use, Verbal Abuse, pls forgive me, radiodust - Freeform, so they are kind of demons but also very human
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26603359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheMidnightRain/pseuds/InTheMidnightRain
Summary: Alastor doesn't intend for Rosewood Academy to change him, or his isolated ways, but then he meets Angel, and he finds himself on an emotional overdose for the rest of the year. By becoming so involved with someone with such a complex world, Alastor is tugged into many challenging situations, and forced to handle problems that he isn't quite equipped to handle. Angel is complicated, and so is their relationship, which is foggy and something Alastor struggles to understand.· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·( * Please read the first chapter for important information about the story that could provide clarity in some aspects, but if that doesn't interest you, well now you know to just skip it lol * )
Relationships: Alastor/Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Charlie Magne/Vaggie, implied sir pentious/oc
Series: Don't Ask, Don't Tell [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987531
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is just to explain important things about the story, things that provide clarity for things that could be confusing otherwise. If none of that matters to you, feel free to skip.

Hello! Thank you for checking this out. I wanted to make a humanoid Hazbin au that is supposed to be real, relatable, and tugs at your heartstrings in all the best ways. Basically, I wanted to use some of my favorite characters to portray the human condition. 

Please be wary that this work is far from complete, I'm putting it out there to see hopefully how it's received, but also just to get feedback! Please be nice if you are leaving criticism, that's my only request. :) Because this work isn't complete, there are many "chapters" that are missing between the existing ones, and if something confuses you, please ask! I'll happily answer questions. I may even provide useful information in the note sections, so keep an eye out on that.

I also feel like I should mention that I get inspired very easily by other works/shows/whatever and if any similarities makes you uncomfortable, please bring it up :) It could very easily be something I edit out of the story! I'm very open to hearing any concerns!

There is a ton of triggering content that gets touched on in this story, my only hope is that it is done well, and that the topics addressed are actually relatable and properly handled, please tell me about the things I get wrong, I want to get this right. <3

One last thing I'll mention is I hope no one is upset about the main ship being radiodust. I understand that ships with Alastor don't sit well with some people, but as a fellow ace, I can confidently say that the spectrum is huge, and it's possible for aro/aces to have that one in a million chance of falling in love/whatever have you. With this story, I plan to make it obvious that our beloved Smiles is still very much himself, because his identity means a lot to me, I don't intend to erase it. 

Let's get into it, shall we?


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alastor describes how he was unfortunate enough to end up at Rosewood Academy, and how it lead to him meeting Angel, the one he claims is responsible for changing every aspect of his life, and leaving it in ruin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in Alastor's lovely point of view. Just figured I would mention it.

When I was growing up, I always felt like I could just look at someone and understand their entire life story. It was just a certain look to them, the way someone carried themselves, the way they dressed, their hairstyle. From head to toe, everyone had always been an open book to me. Not Angel. I thought I had him figured out, but as time went on, his story became more and more complicated, and I came across the unsettling realization that the very person I thought was the easiest to see through, had a significantly cloudier surface than I first believed. Angel remains the only demon who confuses me, a total mystery, a demon who can make the assumptions about his past disappear and cause new theories to form about him on a whim.

From the very first moments within Angel's intense presence, I felt like he didn't belong at Rosewood Academy, an elite private school that I'd describe as a cesspool. Figuratively, of course. The place itself was gorgeous, and upon appearances alone; Angel fit in perfectly. However, it didn't take long for me to observe just how toxic the student body was, worse than your stereotypical highschool, because this place overflowed with people too rich to care. The kind of rich people who primarily viewed the lower class as scum. 

Not Angel, though. He overflowed with positivity on a good day, which I couldn't understand because he was in a unique position. /Everyone/ liked Angel, he was flamboyant, sometimes violent, and honestly overwhelming to be around for more than five minutes, yet somehow the very definition of popular. The poor souls who publicly outed themselves as someone with a distaste for him... well they simply became outcasts. 

From the beginning, I felt like I'd want to nothing to do with him, because he was beautiful and bubbly, sure, everyone thought so, but that wasn't my scene. I wanted these years to go by quickly, and that be the end of it. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as an extrovert, yet that was exactly what Angel was. Before I knew it though, he pulled me into his world, and I became so incredibly hypnotized by him. The feelings were unwelcome, and oh so nauseating. Yet, I didn't want to leave at the same time.

I never would have met such a nightmare of a demon if it weren't for the scholarship I couldn't turn down even if I wanted to. My mother had always been middle-class, so there was no way I would have been able to attend such a sickening academy if it wasn't for that scholarship that altered my destiny - and to be fair I considered turning it down, but my mother begged me to attend, said it was a great opportunity for me. It was almost embarrassing to admit that the stupid scholarship was my only way to attend Rosewood though, because to the majority of the student body, the insane yearly fee to attend was nothing. It baffled me that anyone could pay so much for a highschool education, so carelessly too. Angel so happened to be one of those people, and that was all the more reason that I attempted to avoid him altogether when I first laid eyes on him. I thought I had a plan; avoid this intoxicating nightmare for a few years. Easy, or so I thought. It's a big school, no worries. 

However, that thought had been slaughtered from the start. There he was, his aura enchanting as ever. Something about his small frame, his smile, the way his fluffy hair framed his face. Everything about him told me multiple things. One; I thought he was the easiest person to read that I had ever seen. I wasn't ever going to be able to prepare for the moment when I discovered he was the most mysterious and confusing demon I had ever, and would ever meet. Unsettling realizations were now a pass time with Angel around. Two; I would never be able to avoid him. /He was going to stay in my life, and that was final/. Three; My life is over from this point forward and this ethereal male was my murderer. He was the hurricane that would change everything, and make sure it stayed wrecked. Everything I loved so dearly would become turned upside down, and yes, Angel was guilty of that too. /Angel wrecked everything. Every single aspect. Yet, the ruins were something I found myself seeking more, because as much as I wanted to hate his stupidly cheerful personality, he became irreplaceable in a split second. I'd even boldly call my time with him addicting/.

I never wanted to become as close to him as I did, but Angel made sure that if anyone would bury me, it was going to be him. Angel insisted on being a new constant in my life, a new permanent, and like I said before, that was just the end of the discussion. There was no room for arguments. Yes, it was over for me from the start, but I still foolishly believed that I could simply avoid him for those first few weeks of the time just before my time with him, the time that would really bury me.

Angel was a mastermind for sure, but I became pretty frustrated over time as I tried to figure out whether or not my kidnapping was an intentional feat of his or not. Was it all some accident? - He seemed to have a lot of those... Yet, accident or not, this cherubic atrocity made me his helpless captive.

The illusion shattered itself eventually, and the inevitability of his story being permanently tangled with mine was all too real eventually. I soon learned Angel's world would be my own, whether I was ready for it or not.

...But if I was being held captive in his story - his world, he at least made sure I had a place in it. Despite my disposition, I don't think I'll ever stop feeling grateful and in debt to him for that. 

Angel was the hurricane, but I simply believed he was the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very in-hindsight sort of perspective, just to introduce you to the universe. The rest of the story is a very in-the-moment kind of thing.


	3. Rubatosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.

Intense colors flashed, and it made me question if this sensation would make me blind momentarily. I swore I could also hear the distinct noise of a phone vibrating against a hard surface that was all too loud and quiet at the same time - was it fading in and out?

My heartbeat hit fast and heavy, and while it did, I got intense imagery of blood, all over me. Was this my blood? Was it someone else's? I had no indicator, and that just made me more stressed, made my heart beat faster. I felt incredibly dizzy, disoriented, the room spun rapidly, and at this rate I was destined to puke. It slowed enough for many images to flash in front of me briefly, all of which involved someone with intensely fluffy white hair, and all I could smell was roses and vanilla - was that how he smelled? I couldn't keep up with anything, at one moment it was just me, beside a headstone with a name carved on it that I didn't know, the next moment I was watching that mysterious demon from afar. After that, we were in a crowded room with dim lighting together, there was a fleeting moment of me in an extravagant hallway with him, then by an eerily glowing pool. It kept going and going, It was impossible to track, but I felt like I knew him a lifetime and that frame of time was playing in front of me at a rapid speed. Many memorable moments all at once, then gone in a split second. 

That nauseating sensation faded, but a new one took it's place - it was silent, then I could hear a heartbeat, then two, my own and someone else's. It was haunting, and it left me utterly paralyzed for a moment. "Can you hear that?" A soft voice asked, begging for me to respond, but words didn't form, I was speechless. My thoughts were a constant strum of 'no, no, no'. "Give me your hand then." 

I think I blacked out completely, long enough that all I could do was feel, and I felt frozen skin against my fingertips, and when I could see again, that strangely angelic demon was in front of me, pressing my hand to his chest. I was covered in blood again though, and was getting it all over him - panic shot through my veins, and I tried to pull my hand back, but it was too late. My vision blacked out again and I sharply inhaled. The horrifying thing was now I could feel his heartbeat, and furthermore, when I opened my eyes yet again, he too was covered in blood. It stained his clothes, his hair, it was on his skin in various places. It made me want to pull my hand away that much more, but I couldn't, I couldn't move at all, actually. 

It all started to fade as he emitted warm laughter, it sounded genuine, and like it conveyed a deep-rooted happiness, which was out of place compared to the visual. It all came to a sharp end when I jolted awake, my heart pounding, my breathing heavy and rapid, my eyes completely wide. I sat up and looked at my palms, not a drop of blood to be seen. The buzzing continued, but it was consistent now - and I quickly realized it was just my phone. I felt unnerved, and extremely disoriented. It was as if I could no longer tell the difference between real and fake. They say you can only dream about people you've seen before, but he wasn't real, I swore he wasn't, he was entirely something else. Something far more paranormal.

I felt relieved in a sense when I woke up, because for a moment I was convinced that was real, or hallucination based, but it was entirely a dream, just one of the sort that I had never had before, and could convince myself I never would witness that again, but a part of me lingered on it, replaying it again and again, because I wanted answers. I began to ask if the blood we were covered in was his, and moreover, who even was he? Was he some twisted figment of my imagination? Never had I imagined I could become so traumatized by someone who looked like they were the closest thing to a fallen angel. 

I tried to soothe myself by focusing on things such as the delicate morning sun, but I had no success. I knew better, and I knew I'd be vividly remembering that nightmare for awhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rubatosis describes the feeling of being aware of your heartbeat, to an unsettling extent.


	4. Opia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> I like to refer to this section of the story as "Alastor is naive and thinks Angel is optional".

Stepping through the doors of Rosewood Academy for the first time, I didn't feel accomplished, amazed, maybe in awe, or any of those feelings. To be honest, if anything I felt overwhelmed - or like I had just been sharply kicked in the stomach. Everyone else in this room - which was entirely other students, seemed like they were all unconsciously asserting their superiority, and it was mocking in a way. 'Look at me, I could afford to be here'. I wasn't intimidated, but maybe just a bit bothered.

The many elegantly shaped windows, the marble floors, which were accompanied by walls that had marble accents... The sunlight was filtered through the windows, and it cast light onto the floor. There were quite a few plants placed perfectly, and definitely with symmetry in mind. Honestly, I couldn't allow myself to even falsely sympathize with whoever had to water all of them.

Rosewood just so happened to be the stereotypical school for entitled rich brats attending with daddy's money... but it was a good opportunity for me, I wasn't going to pretend that I didn't shamefully feel lucky to be here as I quietly proceeded to the following grand hallways. I was desperate to get through the day, sure, but considering my scholarship, I was privileged too. 

As I walked, it was then that I saw /him/. Leaning against the wall, on his phone without a care in the world. Just looking at him, I knew he was exactly what I wanted to avoid. He looked perfect, I'd even boldly say he looked angelic, with his pale skin and white hair, the unforgiving fringe that demanded to fall into his eyes, the many pink accents. He couldn't have been taller than around 5'4, and his lack of height was complimented by a lack of width, because he was unnervingly thin, to the point that he had a small thigh-gap. Then there was his face, which I could only describe as cherubic, with heterochromatic eyes that complimented such, and made the description all the more fitting. His irises were a soft pink, but his left sclera was black, while the other eye had a white sclera, it was as if devils and angels fought behind the surface of them. That was exactly the problem, someone who looked so sweet and innocent had to be one of two things (or both): One, he's popular. Two, he's the innocent type that would betray you on a whim. 

Just looking at him, I felt like I had him figured out. He seemed see through, clearer than anyone else in the room. He looked like the type who had many things handed to him, the type to keep people close just to prey on them. I worried that if I got even remotely close to him for a second, that I too would be his prey. Yes, he definitely glowed, radiant, but I felt an unexplained urge to run from him. Something about this perfect looking stranger made me feel like if I didn't avoid him at all costs, he would draw me in with a siren song and drown me. I wouldn't be his victim... or at least, I didn't want to be. He had plenty of other helpless fools he could ruin instead.

As I passed him though, our eyes met. He looked up just soon enough for time to slow, for the seconds to turn into minutes, the room became silent. Something about his bright, heterochromatic eyes cut deep into my soul, and made me hurt in unexplainable ways. A small smile formed on his pale face. I knew what his gaze told me, it was a threat. A threat that maybe he didn't even realize he was sending, but I got it, crystal clear. 'I'm going to bury you'.

He looked back to this phone and it was like everything suddenly went back to normal. Every noise, the soft chatter amongst everyone, movements and the sound of expensive shoes pressing against the marble, it all came back with a sharp whoosh. I took a shaky breath and continued on my way. 

He was paranormal, and similarly that experience certainly was. I believe every part of his glare that told me he would be my killer. I had to avoid him, to adapt. It was just survival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opia refers to the intensity of looking someone in the eyes, which can feel invasive as well as give one a sense of vulnerability.


	5. Adronitis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel's point of view.

My gaze gravitated towards him when his presence became known to me. He was standoffish in a charming way, I could easily tell even from the distance. Allegedly his name was Alastor, and he was very new to Rosewood Academy. I assumed he had to be, because I hadn't seen him around, and even if the school was massive, I felt like I had eyes and ears everywhere here. He reeked of "newbie" anyway, because he did the same thing some did, where if anyone came close, he'd automatically lean in the other direction out of disgust. To a degree, hating the closeness and touch of others unless he initiated it seemed to be just his MO. I had already heard a little about him from his short day or two here. 

Alastor was slender, creepily so, but not to the point that he was too skinny, he just bordered on the edges of that. He had straight hair that went down to his chin, that was shorter in the back. Very fluffy bangs that covered the entirety of his forehead. There was also dainty, but very charming little antlers that protruded from the top of his head, between large fluffy red ears. Something about him was hypnotizing, and I couldn't decide if it was the blood red hair, that faded to black halfway down, or his faintly gray skin - i'd jokingly say his skin color betrayed him and made him appear horribly ill. Then there were his eyes that almost eerily glowed - very bright red, accompanied by black scleras. His chin was sharp, well defined, like many of his features. Yet somehow he also had the 'I could eat anything and remain thin' aesthetic, which was accompanied by a serious composure. On the other hand, his height made me feel ridiculously betrayed, because he was around 5'8 to /maybe/ 5'10... how unfair. The rest of his features mimicked his antlers; dainty, like his nose for example, but I swore his eyes were huge. From head to toe, he had a very prominent charm about him, and it made me want to sink my metaphorical claws into him. On the contrary, he seemed like he wanted to avoid me, and keep his literal claws from sinking into me in a mutual fashion. 

Cherri definitely noticed that I watched him closely every time he was within distance for me to, and mocked me for it, saying I should stop obsessing and just talk to him, but I was going to have to corner him for that. He wanted to keep me at arms length, and while I wasn't going to have that, there was a strategy to lulling him. He seemed strong enough emotionally, he projected a sense of 'I'm protecting myself, that's why I'm distant', but in a way, I felt a painful urge to keep him safe, because Rosewood would chew him up and spit him out, or so I believed. I wasn't the danger to him, but others certainly would be. I wanted to protect him, I had a natural instinct to. I felt unusual feelings towards him, ones I never felt about anyone aside from my siblings. A harsh gravitational pull towards him. 

He leaned against a wall, a little away from everyone else when he got to a part of the room that was more open, and allowed him to do so. I faintly grinned to myself, easily able to deduce that this had to be my chance, the universe finally being nice to me and granting me my 'in the right place, at the right time, in the right way' opportunity. Because really, what could he do now? I wasn't going to ignore the opportunity, I knew I was lucky to have it at all, and even if I didn't want Cherri to have this, she was right /I was obsessed/, and I didn't want this to die an obsession. 

I approached him, my composure relaxed, if he was avoiding me, I didn't want mere movements to give him more reasons to. I only even really noticed he ever was because any time his gaze settled on me over this last day or so, he'd look away and seemingly make it a mental note to keep a distance. He was calculated and cruel. "I'm Angel, named after the drug, not the supernatural beings, my dad made that so clear, and he wasn't kidding. You must be Alastor, Rosewood's newest victim, right?" I spoke up, a faint, friendly smile on my face. Halfway through my introduction, Alastor flinched as he looked up at me, his form quickly settling back into calm, but guarded. He was definitely making it an effort to not allow himself to look or actually be vulnerable. Alastor gave a small sigh, then a nod of confirmation. "Yeah, that's me. You have quite the charming introduction." He retorted in a brutally honest fashion, which I could appreciate. I even noticed his ear twitch some with his judgements. Something about his behavior sent unwelcome electricity coursing through my veins. "Right?" I replied cheerfully, bubbly giggles slipping from me. "I figured I'd give you my awkwardest introduction, so that it can only get better from here." I added after my initial response, hoping I could use the strange approach to charm him into being less afraid of me, because I wasn't too naive to see the constant strum of 'run, run, run' lingering in his dissecting eyes. I would've said more, but just as I had been given the opportunity, my phone began to figuratively blow up, going off nonstop until it finally had my attention, and I could ignore it no more. I checked it, uttering a soft apology, reading through whatever was so urgent. 

Allegedly, Molly was having some emergency, and needed me. I couldn't help but feel quietly disappointed, but I couldn't just ignore it. Alastor was patient, watching my every movement, in assumedly an act of self preservation. "I guess that's a fair enough point." He admitted gently, his eyes not budging even after I looked up, more unintentional giggles leaving me. "Wish I could stay, and continue to bomb this first impression, but I gotta go. Sorry." I apologized once more, before being on my way. Still, I couldn't help but curse Molly's very timing. My luck would never truly be on my side.

I would just have to sink my figurative claws into him more later. Instead of a smooth, and well sequenced 'hook, line, and sinker', I was just in the beginning phases of that, but I still suspected that this would be the start of the end. The match was lit, and I knew he'd be the one to throw it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adronitis: the frustration of how long it takes to get to know someone.


	6. Sonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.

That smile - that disastrous, killer smile. The small gap between his two front teeth, the way four sharp, hypnotizing fangs took up residence in his mouth. Then, one couldn't ignore how his lower lip was pale, barely registering as any shade of pink - then, his upper lip was a deep black, as dark as the night sky, if not darker. I couldn't confidently say I was immune to his charms, but could anyone truly be? His smile glowed from across the cafeteria, which was impressive considering how massive the room was. There were many tables, expensive tile flooring, and of course there wasn't your typical lunch line or whatever, you were never forced to eat a specific thing, because mall like vendors were all over the place in here - the place reeked of privilege.

Naturally, if you were just entering the room, your eyes would instinctually get caught by the massive windows - that reached from floor to the absurdly tall ceilings - that were directly across the way from the entrance, then maybe gradually wander elsewhere. Right next to those windows was Angel, and the few demons he usually was accompanied by - especially at lunch. The bright sunlight streaming into the room made him look heavenly, and that was the most alarming thing I felt by far. If his first impression was anything to go by, he was trying to charm me, and ordinarily I'd brush off such a thing, but this was the last thing I'd describe as ordinary. Additionally, looking at him from across the room just reminded me how badly I wanted to avoid him. Sure, I'd let my eyes wander that way, study him for fleeting moments, but I definitely made mental notes to stay away. 

Angel noticed me, I know he did, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was incredibly conscious of him. Instead, I made my way over to an empty table and got situated, my appetite leaving me - but also I considered not eating today a blessing to my wallet. Even so, I couldn't help but feel the urge to glance his way, watch him intensely, see if I could pick apart his life simply from watching how he communicated, maybe even use his body language to do such an invasive thing, but I tried to resist it for awhile. Eventually, I gave into it, my gaze mechanically moving to him from the far side of the room - I swore I could see him perfectly from here, strangely enough. He was long since distracted from the looks of it, chatting away with a lizard demon of sorts, before a small demon joined them.

See, she had piqued my interest because she was almost a mirror of Angel - who's she? Would I ever know? - long, borderline curly white hair, it reached roughly her waist. She was fortunate in the fact that she didn't mirror Angel's weight, she looked healthier; and even had pleasant curves. She had the same general presence, same incredibly pale skin, pink markings and accents in her hair, soft pink irises in her large eyes, generally perfect features. I assumed she had to be the same height, but surely it wouldn't be hard to top Angel's height. Why yes, she had almost the same hypnotizing touch as Angel - almost. I could assume that at the least, she and Angel had to be related, perhaps identical twins - they absolutely looked the part, to be fair. Then there was the part where they acted the part too, because the moment she sat down next to him, Angel's face lit up and he enthusiastically threw his arms around her, while she laughed and returned the hold. I couldn't help but feel like that alone confirmed my suspicions, they were obviously close. She too had a strong aura about her, expect hers felt lightly less forcibly sweet. 

I guess that was a strange thing to pick up about someone, and maybe I was wrong, but just watching them, they both radiated this bubbly nature. I wasn't naive, it could be feigned sort of easily, and that was exactly what made me suspicious of Angel. He felt innocent in the 'I'm a convincing actor' sort of way; innocent in a sinister way. To be fair, I received that feeling only from being within his intense presence - still, something about him felt wrong. I was too smart to make a deal with such a devil; to stoop so low. I had a feeling tell me that after his initial introduction, he was far from done with me. Though, to go on a completely different rant, there was something that puzzled me about Angel, something I wish I could figure out.

See, I felt like I had his type pinned down, he seemed like the sort to prey on those foolish enough to be swayed by his charms, yet, at the exact same time, I had a different feeling about him that I couldn't quite place, and smaller voices from my instincts that said /maybe/ that assumption was wrong. Rosewood was an interesting place, it had many different types of people, both ones you didn't know existed before entering their lions den, or types straight out of books, it was a strange mix of both, and ultimately, because of it, Rosewood was a whole other dimension. The second you came in contact with the marble, you weren't on earth anymore. Because of this, rules were different, you could use your phone whenever, or do things you couldn't in ordinary schools, for one simple reason: if one of these incredibly privileged students complained to daddy, he'd take his money and force the school to bend the rules until they permanently changed to be such a way. After all, it wasn't like Rosewood could deny the request of someone with such a high position in society, the 1%, because if they did, they'd end up in very deep, murky water, infested with sharks. So when I say there is a lot you can do here that you can't do in a normal school setting, I'm not kidding. Having said all of that, it made me wonder about Angel's position in all of this. He gave off a peculiar vibe, one that suggested he couldn't overpower my wits, but that he could ironically enough make me overdose emotionally if I wasn't calculated about my handling of him. 

I was so aware of him that after he initially introduced himself, and I got that sinking feeling that confirmed I needed to avoid him, I bothered to look into him, but so little about him could be dug up. No one would spill much, and if it was researching him the more... stalker sort of way, everything seemed... picture perfect and vague. I learned a few simple things, like that he has two siblings, and is incredibly protective of both of them, and that he has very few people that are truly close to him, and everyone else is happy to be a mere friend of his, with the awareness that 'friend' is a loose title. Yet, what betrayed my unnerving feelings about him, like the one where I guessed he'd replace anyone at the smallest inconvenience, my research of him suggested the contrary, that even the so called 'friends' didn't exactly get replaced easily. Yet, there was apparently a very close friend of his that he had a falling out with during the summer that followed freshman year. Then there was the unimportant detail that allegedly he's italian (how interesting). That was about all that I found out about him, and sure I had more time, it had been a short week of digging, I still felt like I'd never find out more about him unless I got closer, and there was no way I was going to let that happen.

To a large degree, Angel would simply remain an enigma, and I was accepting of that at this point. I still had to be careful with how I avoided him, however, because if I wasn't careful, distancing myself from him could also prove to be fatal. Yes, avoiding him would be good for me, but I also quickly found out that he is incredibly popular around here, for whatever reason, and has been since mid-freshman year, and it was quite transparent that due to status, those who openly disliked him ended up outcasts or even harassed, and neither of those things intimidated me, but Rosewood was far more vicious than my old school, or any other. Still, even considering that it might be bad to put myself in that situation, could being an outcast really be so bad? Even if I was regularly encountered for fights and harassment, I could handle myself quite well in both situations. Regardless of how I handled Angel, I was throwing caution to the wind at this point.

I spaced out for awhile, simply watching him with a serious expression, while he was busy drinking something or another and quietly watching those around him converse. Since he was no longer distracted by the new arrival to the table, or the conversation happening around him, he managed to notice I was watching him eerily, and he got a devilish smile, as his soul stealing eyes cut into me. I wasn't amused by his lack of concern for me, his bold attitude, and ended up rolling my eyes and looking away with a soft sigh. Before my gaze moved, time did the same thing it had always done around him, and slowed, but this time it reached a new extreme, and eventually stopped completely. There was also a subtle yank towards him that I felt deep within myself, followed by what felt like a closer view of him. Ah, that must have been the beginning of a siren song. Alas, he was close to hypnotizing me, but he could do better, and would have to if he wanted to succeed, but I don't doubt that he's capable.

I imagined faint giggles, something along those lines, as he focused back on the small circle of company around him. He totally would find this amusing, wouldn't he? All of this urged me to take the outcast path, and lose my caution (or what was left of it) entirely. If I did end up six feet under emotionally by the end of the year, I could at least confidently say that I'd be properly numb to physical pain, and it'd be a pretty ending, because the upside? The bruises would bloom like flowers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jokes on you, I went back and edited the title so it will match the others... for now lol.
> 
> Sonder: the realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as you.


	7. Exulanis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> I just wanted to give some warning that this takes place some time after the last "chapter". This is after they've gotten close. I hope that helps.
> 
> Also, trigger warning: Brief hints to verbal abuse in this chapter.

Much to my own dismay, it was here that I finally found Angel, after him being totally missing all day. Sitting beside Rosewood's unnecessarily exquisite pool, sulking. He was alone, or so he was until I invaded, and so he openly expressed grief. It hurt, especially when I walked closer, he noticed I was here, and sniffled as he wiped the tears off his face. The damage had already been done, even if he tried to feign being okay, and run damage control. "H-Hey, Smiles." Angel stuttered, speaking after he glanced to me. He sounded... pathetic. It was worse when he forced a faint smile, one I was very accustomed to by now. 

I only gave him a dismissive hum, seating myself beside him at the edge, speaking after I was comfortable. "What's the matter, mon cher?" Intentionally, I ignored his greeting, he was trying to push the conversation before it could even start, it was obvious. Deflecting was a strong suit of his. 

Angel's expression reflected that he was aware I wasn't going to play along, that he was well aware what happened from here. Giving a small sigh, his heterochromatic eyes shifted and glared at the water in front of us, like the very water betrayed him. With a very deep inhale, Angel hesitated than released a soft sigh. "Nothin', really. Just... sometimes it hits me how hurt my dad makes me feel. So, I'm fine. I just needed time to get it out of my system." The petite demon was denying the severity of it's hold on him, but as I listened, I couldn't help but sympathize, and share the burden, because sure, it wasn't necessarily relatable for me, but since he was hurting - so was I. 

"Ange'," I prompted softly, studying him with eyes that tried to be gentle, but I worried it came across an entirely different way. "You can open up to me, you know that." I finished, hoping he would listen to me for once, instead of his usual of purposefully doing the opposite - entirely out of spite. I could recognize that he considered it, and continued to for longer than I'd wish, because that was the first sign of hesitation, but begrudgingly, he decided to open up... which eased some of my heartache, and worry. Although, I'd be the first to admit that I was trying to swallow those feelings up until this point, I didn't want them to consume me and revoke my ability to critically think and calculate every word. /Undoubtedly, however, my heart viciously bled/.

With another sniffle, Angel spoke, rather timidly at first. "Ah... I... I just, I don't wanna waste your time, so let's just say he says a lot, like how I'll amount to nothing, how I'm dead to him, or how everyone in my life will give up on me like him. Sometimes it's an unfair comparison. Doesn't matter, it's always somethin' different. Anyway, let's just drop it, yeah? I've complained enough." The last part almost felt like a weak plead, he wasn't used to being confronted about his feelings, for anyone to look past his reputation long enough to care. He was popular, and those unfortunate enough to be popular didn't have feelings, they were mere snakes - allegedly. 

Feelings of confliction settled heavily on my chest, weighing me down and forcing my heart to sink, I ended up grimacing from the sensation, and could only hope he wouldn't notice, and would continue to look at the glowing water with tearful eyes. Regardless, painful sensation aside, the inner conflict was spawned by being rendered unable to decide what was better for Angel right now - talking about it, and not dropping it, or dropping it and making this easy for him. Neither seemed exactly favorable, and that was exactly the problem.

In a way, the lights being off in the room played to Angel's advantage, it was significantly harder to tell he was crying, but I could tell, as silent as he was. "...Do you think he's right?" I inquired a bit reluctantly, worried about the answer, but also his reaction, because I knew I was betraying his wishes, and not even subtly. I was trying to gauge the damage however, and I had to know. 

I didn't expect the scoff that followed, or the tears that fell from his eyes significantly faster - if I was counting, we would have hit the thousand mark already. Surely the room would flood. "What kind of question is that? Of course I do. On a good day, I like to lie to myself, and say he's just cruel, but he has to be right." Angel's brows furrowed as he closed his eyes a moment, inhaling sharply in regret, I could tell from the look on his pale face that he wished he didn't say so much. Maybe I was just twisted, cold, and disconnected, but I was glad he did. "Anyway, drop it, please." Angel was more demanding this time of his wishes, and all I could muster was a hum. 

I had to linger longer on how to approach this, as sensitive as it was. My intuition begged me to try to distract him for now, so I could take more time to decide the best way to handle the situation, and I gave into that after enough consideration. 

Reaching over, I carefully took things like his phone away from him, setting anything valuable on the elegantly carved concrete to the other side of me. All of this confused Angel visibly, but he was too shaken up to verbally comment on my bizarre behavior. I didn't blame him, from his perspective, I was 'being weird again', as he'd likely put it. I took a deep breath as I shifted to a better position to pick him up, having to pep talk myself a little. It wasn't that Angel was heavy, he couldn't have weighed more than 90 pounds, but still, the thought exhausted me. As if he was fragile, I scooped up the small demon, and carefully stood up, it wasn't the easiest thing to do, but it would have been significantly harder to pick him up if I was already standing. "What are you doing?" The spider-demon asked in a confused tone, furrowing his petite eyebrows. I wouldn't satisfy him with an answer, that'd be far too easy. Once I was stable and on my feet, I finally answered the smaller demon - with something that was hardly an answer at all. "Dearest Angel, I would hold my breath." I remarked, a devilish grin appearing on my face. 

Angel's slightly reddened eyes became wide, catching on rather quickly to my evil plans, but by the time he could protest, it was far too late for him. "Don't." Angel pleaded, but I only chuckled, before I gained the momentum and swung, throwing him into the water. "Smiles, I swear to-!" He weakly yelled before he hit the water, I assumed that sentence would end with 'god'. It amused me how quickly his mind switched topics, ultimately, I succeeded. 

His small frame almost glowed like the many bright lights illuminating the water, as blurry and distorted as he was. I faintly smiled to myself, crossing my arms as I waited for him to get his head above water, and probably continue yelling at me for my betrayal - which, I wouldn't trade for the world. 

I was about right when he finally did, my guess not too far off. He started off cursing me, complaining about how he had no change of clothes and all that, then finally sighed when the urge to rant and rave was out of his system. I listened with a pleased expression, raising an eyebrow in interest. I tilted my head a little, watching him swim to the edge of the pool, than hold a hand out to me, gripping the edge with his other hand. "Since I have your highness to thank for being in here, can you please help me out?" Angel requested, and foolishly, I believed him.

I say foolishly because... well... when I leaned forward, to take his hand, expecting to have to pull, with no resistance, instead /I/ was pulled... into the body of water. During the fall into the pool, all I could choke out was a shocked 'Angel!'. Oh to be so naive. As much as I cursed him for beating me at my own game, I couldn't deny that Angel was quite clever.

I gasped when I got my head above water, but when I was beneath the surface, it was rather serene. The thick darkness looming above, the bright water I was trapped in... and the muffled sounds of Angel's laughter. I'd reluctantly admit that it was heavenly while it lasted. It felt like such a long moment, but it was truly only a few seconds. When I caught my breath, Angel had already pressed his palms against the freezing concrete and pushed down, managing to effectively get himself out of the pool, which I genuinely believed he was incapable of for a moment. I hesitated before I joined him with getting out of the cool water.

I couldn't help but feel a warmth spread through me when I noticed the smile on his face - he was considerably still high on his accomplishment in playing me rather thoroughly. While I initially planned on him being the only one to become completely soaked, I'd begrudgingly put up with my clothes sticking to me, and shivering pathetically because for one, Angel was in the same position, but I also made his face light up in amusement, which was something I would trade for nothing. Shamelessly he went on about he couldn't believe I fell for it, while I chuckled because truly I couldn't either. Stupidly, I pitied someone much smarter than I usually credit him for. We searched for towels during that, and I felt at ease knowing what hurt him was the last thing on his mind right now.

I'd never leave it at that. I had to show Angel that his father was so wrong about him, and as dangerous as it was, I wanted to fix the broken parts of him. If it killed me, I would remove the ache. Angel unknowingly made his darkness, his burden mine, and I couldn't be more at ease knowing he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exulanis refers to the tendency to give up talking about certain experiences because people are unable to relate to it.


	8. Jouska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> "I'm not going soft" the chapter.

I watched Angel evolve, transform into some weakened creature that simply wanted to get through the day at a certain point. The way he slowly morphed fascinated me. It all started with a simple text from him, one that enthusiastically wished me a happy valentines day, which made my morning significantly less cold and bitter. I appreciated that, even if I wasn't big on the holiday, for it had always been meaningless to me. At my old school, they never did really anything for it, aside from put up absurd decorations in the halls, and that was the end of it. No one ever bothered me on days like today, and I preferred it that way. Their fleeting comments that they whispered with the hopes that I wouldn't hear were enough for me. 'He's always alone, and that's a little creepy, don't you think?' I don't know what they were expecting, relationships and I have never mixed well. Romance is unappealing to me, and admittedly I've never even gotten a crush before, simply put; it's like something inside of me is broken. I never went out of my way to make friends, not unless they were beneficial to have as an ally, and even then, I didn't make a habit of that either. 

Rosewood was different, they made the holidays sort of a big deal. For example, they actually do something. At Rosewood, they allow students to get each other roses that have lackluster tags attached, so that you possibly know who the sender is. Of course, you could just deliver them to whoever yourself, but if you decide to go the anonymous route, there is a small club that volunteered to deliver them for others this year. I'd be bold and say that such a job sounds absolutely humiliating, and I couldn't imagine being part of it. It didn't even matter to me, I didn't plan to participate, but then it subtly crept up on me that I could do something for Angel, which actually sounded... nice. He'd never understand, but I owed it to him. However, I wanted to be slightly more original than most of the student body, because roses were overrated, and I'm sure Angel would end up with a million of them by the end of the day. I could do better, so I did. I still decided to keep it simple, but I did apply plenty of thought. Something I've learned quite fast about Angel is he really loves incredibly soft things, he passingly mentioned it's comforting to him. Especially the feeling of fur against his skin, so he was an absolute sucker for my cat, and he has messed with my ears more times than I can count, something that used to annoy me, but now I'm quite fond of it. I had my suspicions for why Angel was so obsessed with such a thing; he bruised incredibly easily - such an uncomfortable thought, but would make sense in relation to his preferences. Ultimately, I decided to spend a painful amount of time finding him a teddy bear, while not the most original, it was effort, especially considering my urge to make sure that itself was perfect. 

Then, I had to deal with keeping it in my bag for a better part of the day, waiting for the best time to give it to him, it was an exhausting process, especially when I had to deal with Husk's comments, which all started from when he had the audacity to ask if I had any plans, anyone specifically on my mind, and I was naive enough to say no. What followed was Husk deciding it was clever to ask if Angel had a valentine, and if he should ask Angel to be his, and my response was a threat to drag him outside and bury him alive. I definitely noticed the grin that bloomed on his face, as he leaned back in his chair, and it was then that I realized he was testing me, and my intentions with Angel later, and that I had let him win. /It'd be entirely for different reasons, but I may just follow through with my threat still/. Here I was, hoping Husk would remain the worst part of today. 

I previously noted that Angel sort of... evolved into something much more depressing as the day went on - keep that in mind, it's important. At the start of the day, Angel was his usual self - except maybe more flirtatious than usual. Whatever, I'd put up with it, it was the mood of the day, even if he knew him acting so... lovey, was the absolute bane of my existence. Part of me even hated it when his remarks weren't even directed towards me, I despised it more then. Didn't matter. The phase was shorter lived than I ever believed it could be on a day like today. It was hardly noticeable at first, but Angel very gradually entered a neutral state, then from there, he became more and more dejected. It was hard to be witness to, when it was more obvious, that is. I had a few suspicions for why he became such a mess by lunch, but none of them could easily be confirmed - and it was harder when he stopped being around me more and more by that point. He even skipped one of his classes, and I assumed he was under the belief that I'd miss it, but his absence was the loudest thing in the rather quiet room. Yes, I could debate this somewhere deep within myself for hours, but the best way to get to the bottom of it would be to literally just ask, and hope he's honest about the source. 

By lunch, I unfortunately became more immune to the oddity of Angel's behavior, especially when Husk kept me distracted with his uncomfortable attempts to expose me to Angel, who barely stuck around long enough for any of them. Angel's excuses were weak - much like Husk's will to live - it was basic, like 'I need to do something', or 'sorry, but someone said they needed me'. Husk was out for blood today, which was transparent - that or he wanted to see how long until I would be. Here's a clue; I will undoubtedly strangle him if he tries it again, but I suppose that is beyond the point. 

By lunch, Angel was empty, gloomy, and it was obvious he was just scared that I'd ask why, because my past behavior made it incredibly easy to assume I would, and he's absolutely right. However, I, myself, by this hour, felt agitated, because Angel's attempts to dodge the inevitable interrogation made me need to know what his deal was even more. I remember how I felt hyper focused on him when I entered the cafeteria. From the looks of him as I approached, I could make the analysis that somehow, his heart managed to bruise as easily as his skin, which was maybe just a little concerning. I was rendered unable to do anything other than study him, especially as I took a seat beside him at the circular table. Lacey was on some rant, about something I only heard half the details of. "Yeah, so that's how Arackniss lost the bet. Now he has to tell everyone he asked to be /my/ valentine and that's exciting because I know he believes it's a fate worse than death." which Molly followed it up with giggles, amused by her brother's humiliating fate, no doubt. Cherri could see the humor, scoffing, while she gave a soft 'why is this how you spent the day?', and Lacey deadpanned, before sniping that inquiry with 'I was bored'. Strangely, Angel was eerily quiet, listening to Lacey with a blank expression, his chin rested on his palm, while his elbow painfully pressed against the table. I was so fixated on him, so much that it tugged at my heartstrings, so much that the room became silent, and everything became a hazy slow. I took in a deep breath, before I reluctantly reached over, splaying my palm against his back, some weak attempt at comfort. Angel emitted a soft noise, and him looking at me was sudden and borderline jittery, which made sense, being the twitchy little thing he is. I studied his face, like his pale cheeks, that were commonly painted with a subtle red. As I did, I reluctantly asked him the one question that had been on my mind since early today. "What's the matter with you?" When I inquired, Angel seemed a bit shocked that I finally did, his eyes widening slightly, before he looked down, giving a small sigh, unable to avoid my concern for him any longer. He made quick work of scanning the others, making sure they paid us no mind, then settling his eyes on the dozens of roses he had set on the table in front of him. "It'll sound stupid, but I'm... disappointed. I guess maybe I hoped I'd feel like the sentiment of everyone's offers would feel more genuine. The roses are pretty, but the intentions attached aren't... -Does that make any sense...?" Angel was incredibly quiet, he wanted this to be something few heard, ideally, probably based on the ridiculous fear of what it'd do to his reputation. He couldn't just start beheading his subjects, under the basis of them being fake, even if they absolutely were. /I'm so sorry to tell you that your confession makes too much sense. I can fix that, I wish you anticipated that before you ended up hurt to begin with/. 

My expression softened, I felt remorseful for Angel, naturally, that was quite the tragedy, but I had no time to adjust, to handle it privately. Valentino, out of nowhere, took up the space to the other side of Angel. I wish it was that simple, but it was far from it. He, in a agonizingly long moment, gently grazed Angel's hollow cheek with the back of his fingers, which caused the before mentioned spider demon to flinch, but he easily settled when his eyes slid onto Val', who then loosely gripped Angel's shoulder. "Angie~ I got you something." Val's intense charisma soaked his words, as he confidently offered a rose, but he was clever, calculated, and stood out with the fact that he went through the trouble of getting Angel a white one. A subtle look of annoyance crept onto my face, but Angel's reaction differed. He looked genuinely happy for a moment, even if it was faint, fleeting. I watched his delicate fingers take it from Val', his mood lightening drastically from the awful state I found it in. "Thanks, Vee'! It's very pretty." Angel beamed, and the last thing I saw before I looked in a different direction, was Valentino's smile widening. "Sure thing, but it comes with a question. I was wondering if you would-" I interrupted his question with a growl, glaring at Val' after I perked up, eyes quickly settling back on his stupid face- 

"Absolutely not! I don't understand why everyone is making moves on Angel, but I'm not having it! Keep your filthy hands to yourself-" I spoke in a low tone, reaching over from behind Angel, before I removed Val's hand from his shoulder, with movements that conveyed disgust. Angel looked back at me, visibly confused by my obvious frustration, and to be fair, Valentino looked equally as bewildered by my sudden change in behavior. I couldn't help but sigh as I looked away, my expression having contorted into one of a now extreme annoyance. I forced it to soften, begrudgingly reaching over to my bag and taking the bear from it. I offered it to Angel as I pinched the bridge of my nose, looking down. I could imagine his face lit up - it came naturally with his quiet gasp, as he took it from me. "I'm not asking." I barked, which sent Angel into a giggle fit. Val' gave a purposefully dramatic sigh, but there was a faint scoff of amusement, and I guess lucky for me, he hardly seemed offended. "Someone's jealous...~" Angel teased softly, notably loosely hugging the teddy bear, his composure seeming less pained than before. Deep inside, I felt faintly warm. On the exterior, I was raising an eyebrow as I narrowed my eyes at the tiny devil. "Why I- I am not, you little brat!" I argued, the look on my face lacking any amusement, but Angel ended up giggling more, entertained by my sharp reply. 

The unacknowledged warmth completely filled me, overwhelming my senses as a red flushed my cheeks. I'd never admit how Angel's addicting laughter put me at ease. This wasn't perfection, if it had been my way, it would have been significantly more heartfelt, as Angel and I would be ideally alone, where no one could tease me for being so soft for him. I'd put up with this, however. I did owe it to Angel, because he failed to realize that he was piecing me back together inside, or how much that meant to me, and by fixing my ability to care, to love, he changed something I was convinced had to be permanently fragmented. To be fair, I don't want to say it will be completely better by the end of his treatments to the wound, but I think maybe, just this once, I will have found the exception to the rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jouska basically means a conversation you play out compulsively in your head. 
> 
> I wanted to note that Valentino is a horrible, stinky, bastard man- No two ways about it. However, in this story, I took it upon myself to make him a good guy, or perhaps sort of an anti-hero. He isn't without flaws, but in this story, he's supposed to be at least mostly good. It's worth mentioning, I hope this makes sense. 
> 
> I-
> 
> I wanted a challenge, okay? If I walk away from this with some people liking him in the context of this story, I win. >:v


	9. Monachopsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel's point of view.

I approached Alastor's locker about as the soft chimes echoed through the hall signaling the end of the school day. As I waited for him to settle everything he was doing, I got lost listening to the idle noises of the grand hallway, and felt a bit disconnected from the world around me after long enough - I felt fake, or as if I had died and was just spectating. To be honest, I'd be lying if I said this was the first time I felt like this today. All day, I'd get quiet and just feel... fragile, and when that wasn't the case, I felt like I was a ghost. Sometimes... It was a little bit different, I'd simply feel very aware of the fragility of my relationships, and like the smallest nudge would knock it all over, and I'd be forced to watch - I know where that last one came from. These feelings made me genuinely nauseous, sick to my stomach with worry, and reaching a boiling point of exhaustion if it prolonged itself during it's intervals. 

Alastor shut the before mentioned locker, looking at me after. The noise, while not exactly overwhelmingly loud, snapped me to attention, yanking me from my thoughts without an apology, or hesitance, not even maybe a warning. I tilted my head, giving a quiet hum as I studied his features, my thoughts threatening to lull me into a false sense of security to capture me, but I reminded myself of the situation before they could. "Ready to go?" I asked in a light tone, sounding a hint weaker than I intended. Alastor was straight forward, giving a nod, accompanied by a faint 'mhm,'. Nothing else need to be said, we began to make our way to Rosewood's large parking lot, in a comfortable silence. 

Well, I assumed it was comfortable. Alastor acted calm... content. I wish it eased my thoughts, but the second it got quiet again, I was back in my head. That's okay, Alastor is comfortable I think. The walk felt short lived, but I know that was just my mind playing tricks on me. We were just on the steps leading up to Rosewood's front doors, but I somehow lost the time between that and us suddenly being at my car. "So, what are you thinking about?" At first, Alastor's soothing voice was echo-y, distant, but it eventually settled and sounded normal to me. I short circuited with a pathetic 'huh?', before my brain stopped lagging behind and registered what he was asking. It was quite simple, I was just being... slow. He clearly wasn't oblivious to my spacey tendencies today, but I genuinely believed it was subtle enough to not be noticed, and felt embarrassed when Alastor very obviously did. "Nothing...! I'm just out of it today, Smiles. Ah- Anyway, can you drive?" I quickly switched topics, worried about lingering on the one he dug up, and further attempted to distract him by pulling my keys out of my pocket and tossing them to Alastor. His reflexes kicked in and he managed to catch them, raising an eyebrow at my request. "You want... me to drive? Your car that probably costs more than my future college tuition?" Alastor punctuated his dramatic remark by looking down and pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment. 

"Uh... -huh." I answered simply, going through the conversation again - I was definitely certain about this one, Alastor just didn't think so, clearly. "I'm exhausted." I added shortly after, being honest about most of my motivation. I'd hardly consider this a sign of trust, and Alastor must not have either, especially when I managed to catch a sigh. "Lazy." He insulted, disingenuously. 

This felt... normal. Normal is good. I shot him an unfriendly hand gesture, opening the passenger side door once it was unlocked and got in, letting my act fall a moment and sucking in a sharp breath. Alastor got in shortly after me, not taking long to get situated and put the key in the ignition. I don't think he was still oblivious, but he didn't comment this time, he was just quiet. That was mutual, I was too as I sunk further into the seat, closing my eyes as I absorbed the silence. The moments were fleeting for sure, everything else that followed was a blur until Alastor broke the silence. Maybe I was wrong about him not commenting and leaving it at that. "Seriously, what's wrong with you?" Alastor questioned me again, not so willing to leave it at that, he was too smart, too clever to. /Truly, what's wrong with me is the fear of falling apart, that of which I hold the closest, but you aren't going to hear that, and that's final/.

"Do you ever think about your impressions of me back when you met me compared to now?" I derailed once more, and expected Al' to sigh again, something, because I know he's not stupid, we both know what I'm doing. "I guess I haven't. I wanted to avoid you when we met. I have since learned it would take more to rid myself of such a pest." Alastor answered dryly, and all I could manage was a faint pout, I was truly disappointed by how not seriously Alastor interpreted my question. "Okay, my turn - I thought we'd get close and you'd be more vulnerable to me than I am to you, but uh-... You've made me very soft. You've always made the weekend feel like a year, though." Of course, mentioning this to Alastor came with the assumption that he'd laugh, but he only acknowledged it with a soft hum. "That's not a bad thing, but you don't open up enough, Angel." Alastor corrected me, very willing and almost eager to do so, all while letting the last thing I said evaporate. His tone withheld the judgement I figured it'd have, to which, I was sort of relieved, but on the other hand, it was blank, and I couldn't get a read on him. 

I considered what he said, but I remained convinced that I had to be right, even about my unspoken feelings that urged me to keep quiet with the excuse of 'you said too much', and maybe, just maybe, I did. "If I don't, you certainly hold back. Sometimes, you sort of just... get quiet. Or like the time we heard a dog barking and you flinched. You said you were just caught off guard, but what was it really?" I found myself digging, putting myself in Alastor's personal space. If he was anything like me, he'd deflect in a troublesome manner, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alastor do one thing, and that was faintly shrug.

He hesitated, but I didn't expect honesty to follow, and that was exactly what I got. "How invasive of you, Ange'. Eye for an eye, I suppose," Alastor sighed yet again, and I could feel his dread. I didn't mean to push him too much, and would happily say he could leave it at that and fill me in later, but he pushed through his discomfort. "I... have severe ptsd. When I was little, I was horribly mauled by some massive mutt. Our childhoods define us, cher. Mine gave me an anxiety when I'm around dogs." He was honest, putting it out there like it meant nothing to him, but I know that was just his fear of being vulnerable. It couldn't have meant that little to him. He was right, our childhoods do define us, my dad gave me the fear of becoming some self-loathing abuser, some cruel man just like him, but ironically enough, Alastor acted like his traumas didn't define him at all. "I had no idea..." I responded shyly, genuinely taken aback by his confession. I wholeheartedly believed there was more to his story, still is, but this wasn't a piece of the puzzle that I could anticipate. "No one does, the scars are easily covered by clothing." When Alastor added that, I couldn't help but get quiet, count the cars that passed and hope he wasn't bothered with me knowing. In a way, I was glad though, because something about Alastor's honesty made me feel like he was real, and I wasn't just losing my grip on reality. Alastor was bold, and grabbed my arm to keep me grounded. "You said I make the weekend feel like a year." Alastor looped back, catching me off guard. My head perked up, because for a moment I genuinely thought he let that go. "It just so happens that you make a weekend feel like a lifetime." He finished his train of thought, smoothly I'd add. He got the desired effect, my face lit up and I couldn't help but smile a little. He definitely delivered the message that he was going to keep me weighed down, even though he probably had no idea he was doing it. Alastor may complain that I'm supernatural, but he is something much worse. Happily, I'd spend a million lifetimes with him, because even those end too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Monachopsis refers to the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place (relatable).
> 
> Hey look! Angel is self aware! Cool!


	10. Lachesism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> This takes place some time after the previous chapter. 
> 
> Trigger warning: briefly mentions rather serious verbal abuse, and hints to a suicide attempt in the form of overdosing.

I felt a strange sense of deja vu wash over me. I knew why; this situation was definitely similar to one Angel and I have both already been through. Once more, Angel was missing, although I had no luck in finding him sulking somewhere around school, and every text I sent wasn't read. I even attempted to call a time or two, but I got nothing, and genuinely that terrified me. I would never consider myself as clingy, if space was something Angel wanted, I'd never deny him that, I liked having space, so understanding the feeling would be a breeze. However, that possibility aside, this didn't feel right. Somewhere along the lines, I caved, and found myself unable to avoid my feelings any longer. If Angel wouldn't give me answers, and help me smother the growing flame inside, I'd simply have to find him myself.

For once, I'd be selfish, indulge in my growing worries. Maybe the first sign was the pouring rain, that had been light showers off and on all day, and now was raging horribly. I say it was maybe the first sign because maybe Angel could control the weather in some impossible way, maybe the world was listening to him for once, considering I was unable to. It was just after seven, and for awhile I was convinced that I could get through the day without giving into my anxieties - the ones that assumed the worst had befallen Angel, but that was exactly the thing that broke me, ultimately. /How could I ignore this all day? What if he wasn't okay? What if he needs me?/

I had a hard time focusing on driving, between the wretched weather and my own consciousness trying to uproot my remaining string of composure, but fortunately, finding him was easier than I first anticipated it would be. Truly, I was prepared to look forever if I had to, but I found him the first place I looked, which was the elaborate estate he loosely referred to as home. I didn't think I'd find him here, that felt too easy, but if I didn't, I planned to maybe ask someone who was here if they had seen him. Although, there was no need. When I pulled my car up in the driveway, I felt a bit taken aback.

There Angel was, settled on the porch near the front steps, hugging his knees tightly, and looking down. It made me wonder how long he had been there, because I couldn't imagine he had been there all day. I couldn't help but sigh, about as my worry grew - I figured just seeing him would be enough to make my nerves relax, but instead it worsened. I was hesitant, for many reasons, but mostly because being in the pouring rain wasn't inviting, but I think eventually I forgot to mind. I still cursed not having an umbrella with me, such a silly thing to overlook. I found the courage to finally reach for the door handle, and slid out of my car before shutting the door behind me and heading over to Angel. With every decently paced step, the more I could feel myself entering the rather depressing atmosphere that Angel radiated effortlessly. 

I ended up grimacing by the time I reached him. "You're going to catch a cold," I commented as I took a seat beside him, feeling a little more relaxed when I was shielded from the rain too. Angel seemed damp, that, and cold - maybe a hint like he felt sick? Something about him just screamed that he was nauseous. However, expecting a witty remark - I'd even settle for a dismissive one - I instead got silence. I don't think he was silent to ignore me, to be rude - I could truly only hope that I hadn't made him mad at me or something, but now that thought preyed on the back of my mind... great. So, I cleared my throat softly, trying to soothe the faint choked up feeling that washed over me. "How long have you been out here, Angel?" I inquired, daring to keep my eyes on him, even after a part of me wanted the opposite. 

Finally, Angel spoke, finding the courage to answer my question - which made me wish it wasn't the one I asked, in the vein worry of it being the only answer I got, to anything, really. "Only like... fifteen minutes, Alastor. I'm fine. Honestly, I haven't been home since this morning..." He nervously trailed off, leaving that thought there, for the moment. "Hmm," I started, getting a bit distracted when I saw how he was visibly shivering. I think fifteen minutes was plenty of time to make yourself sick, just maybe not in the way I first imagined. If he was cold, we'd just have to fix that. 

I left my response where it was a moment, taking off the jacket I had on, only to place it over Angel's shoulders. "I think you need that more than me." I finally added, while I rewired my thoughts to focus back on the topic at hand. I wasn't sure if I should pry, ask what was wrong, and I hoped he'd let me off easy and simply tell me - I'd even accept hints. I think he knew I'd ask eventually. "...Can I ask you something?" Angel's voice was barely above a whisper, for reasons such as possibly embarrassment, or possibly even plausible deniability. "Always." I answered, silently anxious about what followed, and rightfully so. "How is a father /supposed/ to be?" Angel finally caved and asked, and I felt... Speechless. For once, unsure to the highest degree what I was supposed to say - to /that/, nonetheless.

"Well... I'm possibly the worst person to ask, Ange'. Admittedly, I haven't even seen my father since I was significantly younger. It's been me and my mother for ages now, and I love her more than you could imagine, but she certainly is no father figure..." I paused, trying to reorganize my thoughts, even if only a little. Admitting that fact had once more choked me up some, because that was something I didn't openly say to many, but I hope it gave Angel some sort of comfort, even if it came from a mere acknowledgement that I trusted him with my skeletons. "But uh... I hope you realize, this isn't it, this isn't normal. How he treats you isn't okay." My tone was stern as I added that, furrowing my eyebrows a little as I scooted closer to him, just moments after he began to cry, and look visibly more nauseous. I think I must have put the final nail in some coffin he was in the process of closing. With a hint of guilt, I reluctantly snaked an arm around him, and pulled the small demon closer, hoping I could give him any kind of comfort right now.

All wasn't lost, Angel accepted the closeness, reluctantly settling himself against me, which allowed me fleeting feelings of relief. "...What did he do this time?" I finally questioned, hoping this wasn't me being too invasive, or assuming too much, but so many hints were dropped, all of them begged for me to view Henry as the culprit, the one responsible for hurting Angel just enough that he ghosted everyone for an entire day. Angel swallowed, his eyes showing a hint of fear, it was subtle, but I knew he was scared to say it out loud - if it was /this/ bad, I didn't blame him. "He just... told me that he wished I died the night I over-..." He then coughed, sharply, ending his sentence abruptly. I felt a wave of anger pounce onto my nerves, my free hand balling into a fist before I even realized. /How sickening/. I wondered where we'd be if Angel finished that sentence, what he was about to say. I wasn't stupid, I could /guess/, but he and I both knew that there was a tiny chance my guess would be wrong, and that he'd be let off the hook just this once if he didn't say it. I wouldn't push him, he wasn't ready for me to hear it. "Sorry... Forget it, the details don't matter. I just know I feel like I could puke...-" Angel's expression, which conveyed terror, maybe a touch of him looking as if he had seen a ghost, but generally, he looked like he meant that literally, like he wasn't embellishing things or being dramatic, which smothered my anger temporarily and reintroduced my deep feelings of worry for him. 

I could ruin Henry for his crimes later. His broken, mistreated child was my primary concern. I tried to figure out how to respond, Angel didn't need to hear the anger I knew would be in my tone - he'd assume I'm mad at him, probably. I lost track of time, not for long, but I was hopelessly distracted by how to approach this that I missed when Angel's eyes initially widened. Instead, what initially pulled me out of my thoughts was him suddenly and sharply turning to the side - away from me, and then, without a single warning (but admittedly, many missed hints), Angel suddenly threw up, his pale face somehow losing more color. "Heavens..!-" I choked out, startled by Angel's sudden bodily reaction to his stress. I couldn't explain why, but something about it cut the last thing holding Angel together even remotely - he whined, then began to cry incredibly hard, overwhelmed by the weight the world forced upon him today.

Once I could wrap my head around what just happened, my loosening grip on him once more tightened, and I carefully pulled him closer, silently thankful that he managed to avoid puking on himself any. Angel only cried that much harder, covering his face with his hands, not long after I rested my head on his shoulder, shifting a little before I wrapped my other arm around his stomach firmly, in the company of my other one. I could only manage a sigh after the shock was gone, closing my eyes and for whatever reason - focusing on his faint trembling as he sobbed. 

I tried to figure out what to say, but I couldn't help but feel like Angel didn't need words right now. He just needed to be held, and allowed to cry, and I was more than willing to let him have that - it wasn't like I even knew what to say. Not at first. We stayed like that for a good long time, and for once, Angel was very difficult to soothe - not because he fought my attempts, but this was just too deep of a wound. When I did finally figure out what to say, I worried it wouldn't be the right thing, or remotely what he needed, but it was all I had to offer him. "...For what it's worth, I'm very happy you're still here," I spoke softly to him, his shaky breathing only just starting to subside. Did I say too much? Was the wording wrong? I could only hope not. 

The least I could do, even if it couldn't make him feel better, was get him away from this weather, and maybe even assist him in getting cleaned up. It was a final option, because I had no idea what else to do. "Angel, how about we get you cleaned up?" I didn't expect any answers, just compliance, ideally. When I let go to get up and additionally, help him up as well, Angel whimpered and seemed very disgruntled by the sudden lack of contact, but let me help him up. I could only offer him a quiet apology, and a promise that I was far from done with him, that I was only putting it on pause for a moment. He made me feel incredibly guilty with his reluctant compliance. 

I didn't care what wrath I faced for it, I wasn't leaving him alone tonight. It was bad enough that he had the rest of today to be alone. Somehow, the distinct smell of roses and vanilla seemed bitter, and that twisted my heart into a wretched bow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lachesism basically stands for the urge to be struck by disaster, be it a plane crash, losing everything in a fire, or whatever have you, and survive.
> 
> In my notes on my phone about this particular excerpt, it + one other were referred to as "impromptu sleepover"... please laugh.


	11. Occhiolism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.

Under a dark night sky, Angel still effortlessly glowed, like the otherworldly presence he was. Even tonight, when he almost seemed like he was full of dread, a bit nervous, even. We spent a lot of time in silence, that was just something Angel liked, and I could see the beauty in things being that way too. However, tonight's silence felt strange. I wondered if that was just my subconscious getting bored and making things up. Maybe I was overthinking the way Angel's eyes wouldn't budge from watching every single streetlight that passed - he was hypnotized, or mourning something, and I'd heavily prefer the first one.

"We aren't even there yet and I already long for the quiet." Angel murmured, emitting a sigh and sinking further into the passenger seat. I gave him a quick glance, starting to feel as if that just confirmed my suspicions of it being dread that lingered. I suppose another thing that tipped me off on that was almost the way he seemed disappointed in himself. Like he secretly wished this event was one he looked forward to. Maybe he's just tired - he probably is. Things will be different in a bit. "I'm not opposed to changing plans. If you're dreading this, it's not too late." I offered softly to him, wondering if he'd bite, and in a way, he did. What he said next almost confirmed my estimates completely. "I'd prefer to spend the night with just you, I really would, Alastor. I worry about the repercussions if I chose to not show up." Angel proceeded to clarify, and I could only imagine the sad look on his face, but I couldn't say for sure if I was right about that, I could only confidently say he looked down, because I caught that out of the corner of my eye. 

I replayed what he said a time or so, the last part sticking out to me. It was as if the rest was black and white, but the last bit of it was bright red. "Interesting. Why do you feel obligated, cher?" I questioned, but hoped it didn't come across in some ill way, like if I didn't care about how Angel was beginning to transparently feel about our plans for the night. I don't think he did, which installed a short lived sense of relief, deep down. "Well... I was begged to come, I worried that if I didn't, a lot less people would like me... Being popular isn't easy, it's easy to lose your title, the people closest to you. Maybe I worried my crown was slipping," He confessed that weakly, and if I didn't know any better - which, let's be realistic, at this point, maybe I didn't - I'd boldly say that Angel sounded a hint... afraid. I don't think I ever realized how important his status was to him, he always made it look effortless. I could easily be wrong, but Angel underestimated how easily likable he was, I think his attempt to keep things in place - to push everything down may sweeten the shark infested waters, but I don't think anyone with a soul is powerful enough to resist his charms. Angel, ironically, is like a drug, and perhaps his company is the closest thing to overdosing. 

I wouldn't speak on that front, however. Truly, only he knew what kept him in his easily envied position at Rosewood, I genuinely believed it was as much like pulling teeth as Angel implied. "I... see. I don't know how you do it, then, Angel. You must be exhausted." I tried to give him sincere sounding sympathy, but I worried it was conveyed wrong. I did feel genuinely sorry for him, and ultimately the thought was planted that made me worry about what maintaining such a position would do to him in the long run. I could only hope I was right, and that I wasn't the only one who couldn't truly quit Angel, especially if it meant so much to him. By this point, he was too gloomy to respond, only choking out a quiet 'mhm'. /How can I make him rest?/

We both lacked things to say until we got there after that point, but I almost wished I was confident enough to force him to let me change plans. I didn't enjoy seeing him so unhappy, to the point that I could ignore how odd it was that Angel was the embodiment of carefree, and somehow even if he was exactly the type you'd anticipate that enjoyed these events, he instead was dreading it, and acting like the evening would in fact be the death of him. I got out of the car before him, Angel seemed to hesitate and linger for awhile, before he begrudgingly joined me. I had to pep talk myself for this, admittedly. There was nothing I wouldn't do for Angel, which included forcing myself to attend activities I'd normally resist partaking in, but just this once, I'd forget to mind.

Sometime after we had finished pep talking ourselves and went inside the intimidating manor ahead, it was like my inner clock stopped functioning.  
I feel like losing your sense of time in this situation was easy, either because you were drunk or easily distracted by this, that, or another thing. Before I could even realize it, we had been here for a few hours, but I found myself lost watching Angel socialize, and ultimately I theorize that was what made me forget just how quickly time could pass. Admittedly, I was a bit in awe over Angel's ability to act like he was happy to be here, even though I could argue to the contrary after his gloomy attitude in the car. However, what I couldn't ignore, and this was by far the most off putting thing I observed about him over today, was how his eyes glossed over any time anyone tempted him to drink. Alas, every time, he made some elaborate excuse, and managed to wiggle his way out of the peer pressure, and that was also about how he found himself in my company. He was with me by this time in the night, leaning against the wall as we both absent mindedly watched the chaos. 

I wasn't able to look past how miserable he let himself look when he was with me, yet the second anyone talked to him, or when Lacey would randomly spring on him with some stupid rant, he'd seem as pleased as ever. Truly, it was the most convincing facade he had put forth, but that made it all the more depressing. Especially if we were to look back at the whole thing of his face going a bit pale every time someone attempted to get him wasted. Seriously, Angel, what is /that/ about? 

Maybe that was part of why I didn't realize how quickly time slipped between my fingers - like sand, because I was suddenly so stuck on that, and possibly reading more into it than I should have. At one point, Angel gently nudged me with his elbow, I'd say a good ten minutes into us observing the chaos, then he looked at me with his eyes that almost glowed in the dim lighting. Zoning out was unusual for me, normally I was busy dissecting the lives of everyone within viewing distance, but possibly the dim lighting and occasional flashes of color made it easy. When I didn't give Angel much acknowledgment, he whined, and forced me to hold his hand - not that I hated it, but he made sure I couldn't ignore him. "What is it, Ange'?" I finally asked, offering him another glance, and it was then that I noticed how miserable he really was - he didn't bother with a poker face in the least. "Can we leave early? I think everyone else is finally wasted enough, they probably won't even realize I'm gone." Angel weakly asked, struggling to make his voice loud enough to be heard over the absurd music and yelling in the room. "You don't even have to ask." I answered with a faint smile, which was well placed, because I did feel a hint happier when Angel looked... relieved. He didn't need to hear anything else, because with that, he pulled me away from the wall and we navigated the crowded room together. It was incredibly serene when we were back outside, even with the muffled insanity of the obnoxious party on the other side of the walls. It didn't take long for us to get back to Angel's car, and he almost seemed eager to be anywhere else... and maybe it was just something I had overlooked, but Angel also seemed pretty tired, and I could sympathize, it looked exhausting to be him right now. When we were both settled in the car, Angel gave a long, quiet sigh, and I could only assume it was because he could now relax. "Parties have never really been my thing. I wouldn't have came if you didn't ask me to." I remarked as I started the car, and was almost bold enough to say I couldn't tell which one of us was more pleased by the thought of leaving. 

Angel, however, remained in his incredibly weird mood, leaving a small pause before he responded, his expression slowly contorting into being more... blank, empty, maybe even a hint of exhaustion coming on. "Parties haven't been my thing since freshman year. This used to totally be my scene." He quietly added, sort of slowly, and I offered him a look when he gave me that interesting bit of information. It was then that I realized how close to sleep he was, so I only gave a hum, not too long before he was out completely, after a faint 'I guess things change'. Before that, he had no problems with closing his eyes, and letting himself slowly drift off. I guess that just meant he was comfortable around me.

I couldn't help but chuckle, it was actually rather precious, in an infectious sort of way, seeing Angel look so at peace would put warmth in the coldest hearts. I wasn't taking him home, not when his dad could wake him up, and disturb his rest, or possibly make his night worse. Angel may be out cold now, but it didn't stop me from wondering exactly why he was /afraid/ of getting drunk, which was the most unusual thing about how he acted tonight. Instead, no matter who ranted and raved about it, Angel was staying with me, and I'd allow no further arguments. After a long, quiet drive, I parked the car in the driveway and carefully picked Angel up out of the car after getting out and going around to his door. I was truly amazed when he didn't wake up, and continued to peacefully sleep. Even after I felt as if I was about to drop him while I attempted to unlock the door. It was a touch difficult, but I wouldn't wake him, it just felt wrong to even consider. After that, I took him upstairs and called it a night. In this moment, nothing else mattered, not even the things that stood out to me. It would have to wait, taking care of Angel came first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Occhiolism refers to the awareness of the smallness of your perspective.


	12. Anecdoche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: substance abuse.
> 
> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> There is a break in this chapter that is in Angel's point of view. It then switches back to Alastor's. I feel like you could probably figure it out, but it was still worth noting.

I couldn't tell you why exactly my heart raced at the thought of having the opportunity, or even why I took it. I did worry about this getting back to Angel, before I could be the one to deliver such a painstakingly written letter, but then there was the other part of me that was curious; and anyone could tell you how much of a rotten beast curiosity can be. I didn't go out of my way to have time alone with Lacey or Cherri, but I thought it'd result in that until now, because much to my dismay - or fortune, depending on the situation, Angel never forced me to be. Angel didn't keep horrible company around... well, not entirely horrible company, there was exceptions to that, but they weren't who I'd seek to be under the loose title of "friends". Then again, none of that mattered, because this wasn't about them, it was about Angel.

He texted me, saying he'd be to lunch late. Some issue came up in class, and for that, allegedly he was sent to the headmaster over something silly. Since he was fine, I tried not to worry, and instead focus on the task ahead. I entered the cafeteria with the goal to talk to Cherri and Lacey both before Angel slid cleverly out of his little situation and could join us. Truly, unless I found a way to seek Cherri and Lacey out, this was my only chance to ask them about the one thing that had been on the front of my mind ever since that party Angel dragged me to; freshmen year, and what made it stick out to me above all else that Angel has mentioned briefly before. I don't think he intended to start a fire, but alas, he did, and now I had to know why that was such a different year for him.

I joined them at the usual table we sat at, by the massive windows with disruptive, and gloomy rain slowly rolling down them, and set my things down. I didn't bother getting anything to eat, too beside myself with worry to have even a sliver of an appetite. Lacey, who had his mouth full with the latte he was drinking, offered a small wave, while Cherri's head perked up. "Hey, Alastor. I figured Angel would beat you here." She remarked offhandedly. I rested my arms on the table, giving a small shrug in response to the strawberry blonde. "Mm, something came up in class, and for it, he got sent to the headmaster's office. Although I'm sure I don't want to know, he claimed it was over something... insignificant." The following breath I took after that was heavier, as I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to drag up next. Parts of me hoped they'd both refuse to answer, because it was clear to me by now that freshman year for them was something bigger than what it was for most, for Angel, it was something far more sinister, a portion of his life he'd rather not revisit, for reasons left untold. To me, freshman year was an enigma. I cleared my throat, looking down for a moment as I rested my chin on my palm, my elbow pressing against the hard surface of the table. "Admittedly, I'm actually relieved he's running a bit late, there's something I've been meaning to ask the two of you..." I trailed off, seemingly catching Lacey and Cherri's interest with that first part, my tone suggesting it was quite serious - which it was - especially considering I didn't want Angel in on it. "For awhile now, I've heard subtle hints from Angel about freshman year-" My elaboration was cut off by Lacey choking on his latte that he hadn't let up on until now, which peaked my interest. What a peculiar reaction. Admittedly, at first, I doubted the severity, I had a small doubt that told me maybe I was reading too much into nothing, but that filled me with a confidence about my suspicions. 

Cherri carefully reached over and rubbed Lacey's back, some sort of attempt to stop him from choking as badly. "...-As I was. He's said a few... intriguing things, and I was wondering if anything... major, happened last year. He hasn't said much but I mayhaps feel a touch alarmed from what he has said." I finally finished, glancing back up to the two of them, both of them listening intently to me by now. Cherri almost seemed like she had been half listening until now, but that certainly changed. Lacey was smart enough to not further down any liquids after he stopped choking, looking at me with unbudging creepy eyes and a concerned expression. I definitely noticed their subtle, but exchanged glances. "Do we... tell him?" Lacey asked quietly when his gaze had drifted to Cherri for a second. She sighed, I could only assume she found no harm in it. "Angel is crazy about Alastor...- They are also rather inseparable, I feel like we owe it to him, Lacey. He deserves to know." Cherri dissected it rather seriously, and neither of them seemed to even bother acknowledging me being right here as they debated. I was fine with it, I merely listened as I felt tidal waves of worry for Angel wash over me, but I smothered those distracting feelings, I had to keep my composure, and furthermore, I had bigger things to put my attention on.

Lacey swallowed back the concern and stress that I could tell was bubbling inside of him, giving a weak nod before moving his pale blue eyes back to me. "Uh... Alastor, Angel went through a lot freshman year, and through even more that summer. He was so... troubled... and had...-" Lacey cut himself off there momentarily, nervously glancing around. "...a considerable amount of substance abuse issues. He hates talkin' about it, the entire year is nothing but a bad, neverending nightmare for him." Lacey elaborated, and my ears perked up. I was hanging on every word.

\---

"I'm just worried about him. Normally I wouldn't care, I don't know him personally, but he is never like that...-" Lacey ranted, trailing off about when his eyes mechanically moved onto me, then, his face contorted into a look of faint annoyance. "Angel, are you even listening to me?" He suddenly questioned, narrowing his eyes some with the assumption that I wasn't. I wasn't going to deny it, I totally wasn't listening to him right now. "Hm... No, not really, Lacey." I answered him honestly, which earned some sort of scoff from the lizard demon. Cherri raised an eyebrow, looking over at me. "Are you sober right now?" She picked up where Lacey was about to, raising an eyebrow. I could only sigh, my own expression as blank as ever, my gaze going back to being spacey. I was a bit offended by the implications. "In fact, Cherri, I am. It just so happened that I drank until I passed out last night and I was /trying/ to tune everything out because you're both making my headache... no, migraine worse." I snapped softly, resting my chin on both of my palms, closing my eyes a brief moment as we all three became incredibly quiet. 

Everything remained in a silent state until my phone buzzed against the table, and I bothered to check it. "Y'know, nevermind. Val' texted me just now, he wants me to go meet up with him and Vox. So, if we're done here." I finally spoke up, coughing softly as I gathered my things and stood up, taking a shaky breath as a soft ringing drilled itself into my ears for a few seconds. Cherri and Lacey both just watched me, and I could hear a faint exchange as I left, as well as feel their eyes digging into my back. "Oh good, Valentino and Vox? Can't wait for Angie to show up more in-a-twist later. Who do you think the culprit will be this time?" Cherri asked, which Lacey answered easily with: "Vox for sure, Angel never sees an issue with Vee'. What do ya think he'll do this time?" but after that, their conversation was lost to me, their unmoving gazes from my back however... I felt that until I was out of the room. Hm, whatever, they'll be fine. They'll get over it, they always do. Maybe I should stop complaining about anyone to them, it feels like they expect me to, and maybe it was stupid to feel this way, but that bothered me. I'd just have to worry about that later, however. I was more concerned with finding Val' at the moment. Lacey and Cherri would both just have to wait. 

\---

"When he wasn't irritated or getting himself hurt, he wasn't sober enough to reason with... but at the time, neither of us realized how problematic his usage was. Sure, there were times when it seemed a little out of hand, but Lacey and I just saw those as bad days, and the good days, it was a moot point." Cherri elaborated on Lacey's initial explanation, offering faint, vague examples. I debated how deep this would take me, but now I really wanted to know everything that happened. I suppose me talking to them about this was far from over. "It took it going too far for either of us to see the gravity of things. However, it's important that you know that the issues he had with drugs and alcohol were just the tip of the iceberg, and even that is a broad topic." Cherri further added, sighing deeply after. I had many questions - was the events of freshman year what drove a knife between Angel and Cherri? Furthermore, could the abuse have been worse, and was that what drove him to use such a gateway method of blocking out his sorrows? I know why they kept it brief, they were both worried about Angel barging into the cafeteria any moment, or maybe someone who had no right to know overhearing. Fine, I figured. That's fair. 

Lacey, until this point, looked down. Normally, his enthusiasm shined through the most morbid conversations or situations, but no, for once, his face showed no relaxation, or happiness, even of the facade sort. It told me one thing; this was a significantly deeper grave than I anticipated, and I'd be spending much longer digging it back up, because the three of them made sure it'd be difficult for anyone to do so. "Honestly, Alastor, Cherri's right about how screwed up last year was. It'd incredibly heavy stuff. None of that was to mention the-" And as if on cue, - or maybe his ears burned, Angel came into the massive cafeteria, and made his way over to us. It didn't take long. In fact, it took Angel so little time to reach us that Lacey barely got to choke that out. "Sorry, we'll have to talk about this later." Lacey quickly retracted, refusing to let Angel have a chance to know what we were discussing. Unfortunately, for once, we were on the same page.

Angel caught the very tail of our conversation, getting a confused look as he confidently got himself settled rather close to me. "Finish talking about what later?" He inquired, looking between the three of us, first Cherri, then Lacey, then he looked at me, his gaze quickly having switched between the three of us. Lacey, who had no clever lies to improvise with, was quite stumped; evidently, considering how weakly he replied. "Nothin'. I was just telling Al' about somethin' that happened to me during last period while we waited for you," It was a sound lie, but the delivery made it suspicious, as Lacey cleared his throat and looked down, scratching at the back of his neck. Angel looked more confused, and also a hint suspicious, but I further attempted to distract him from how off we were all three acting. "So, cher, what was that whole headmaster thing you mentioned you got yourself into?" I asked, focusing my eyes on the small demon, noticing his change in expression as his mind switched topics. "Ugh, don't even get me started. I've been accidentally hurting myself a considerable amount in Mr.Oakland's class. Keyword; /accidentally/. Well, today I accidentally bit my tongue and well- My tongue starts to bleed, yeah?" Angel started his rant, and boldly, I'd say he definitely seemed like he had temporarily forgotten about the standoffish behavior we all exhibited when he came in. "This dude told me that I was doin' it on purpose! Then! He tells me to go to the nurse and that when I'm done there, I need to head straight to the headmaster to discuss this 'absurd way of getting out of class' as he put it. Now I'm mad thinking about it all over again." He put finger quotation marks around what Mr.Oakland allegedly said to him, his expression contorting into one of annoyance. I assumed Angel managed to wiggle his way out of an unfair punishment for something just inconveniently timed, and with that assumption in mind, I couldn't help but chuckle at his complaints. 

Just from the sounds of it, Angel was a significantly different person freshman year, and perhaps in the worst way, but then there was the dramatic shift to his behavior now, where he was a ray of sunshine to everyone around him, even on his bad days, even if it hurt him to be such a way. If anything, Angel was an enigma to me. I wondered what exactly set him on the path of being sober, but further more, what made his behavior reboot and make him become the demon I had always known him as.

I gave a hum, before shifting and resting my forearm on the shoulder of his that was closest to me while I listened to him further complain how the metallic taste in his mouth made him lose his appetite. I wished this made me feel blissful, and helped me ignore the rather heavy things Lacey and Cherri implied, but I wondered about where the rest of the pieces fell, and what would happen if someone glued such an evil mirror back together, what wretched reflection would look back at me. I could guess why Angel held freshman year so close to his chest now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't care but I want you to picture everything Lacey says in an irish accent, because he has one. :,)
> 
> Anyway, substance abuse is a bad thing. Like the other serious issues touched on in this story, I don't intend to downplay it at all. Once the story is like... actually complete, there will be so much more there that shows the gravity of Angel's situation, that would hopefully be accurate.
> 
> Anecdoche means a conversation where everyone is talking but no one is listening.


	13. Mauerbauertraurigkeit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts in Alastors point of view, switches to Angel's, then back to Alastor's. Inconsistency? Hell yeah- 
> 
> Trigger warning: Verbal abuse, speculation of physical abuse, and a lot of angst(tm) in the form of Angel doubting himself and those around him an unhealthy amount.

I remember how this started. It was a simple "come have dinner with my family", which was in turn spawned by an alleged request given to Angel because apparently he talks about me constantly - according to Molly, and curiosity had finally killed the cat or whatever. I agreed and now ponder the consequences of that decision. For one, being around Henry himself doesn't seem like a stellar way to kill an evening, and so help me I may just end up coming across that table and strangling him by the end of the night depending on how it goes, but anyone could tell you how much of a fool I've become for Angel, how he only has to ask and I'm there. I guess that was exactly how I got into this situation to begin with, and ultimately my downfall was that devilish smile of his in the beginning. 

I remember the exchange I had with my mother just earlier that day after I had gotten home, the way she continuously cleaned the kitchen counter while we talked, and I mindlessly watched her. "By the way, I'm having dinner with Angel's family tonight. I won't be here." "I see. How do you think that's going to go over?" Which I answered with a very sarcastic "Well." I suppose I had complained about Angel's father being a total abusive prick to him just enough for her to get the picture of not only how I felt towards him, but also a vague image of how tonight just might go. I suppose it didn't matter, whatever would happen is inevitable. From here, it'd be a downward spiral. 

Admittedly, I could only think about how Angel felt on the drive over there. He didn't seem excited really when he asked, like he was obligated to and begging for me to decline under the cover. If that was the case, we both would have wished that, but we also both know I could never say no to him, it was a rule by now. The faint, blurry outlines of green, the warm weather, the clear skies, it was all a false sense of security, one that wasn't even that convincing or tempting - I preferred gloomy weather. To say it felt unreal was being polite, and the weather merely aided this. 

I lingered, my soul getting buried where I stood after getting out of my car. I felt a bit nauseous as I looked at the unbearably nice estate, a subtle grimace on my face. I couldn't help but sigh softly, and forget to dig up the remains of the only thing that held me together. With that, I made my way to the front door, not looking forward to whatever would ensue undoubtedly. I disconnected from the world a little as I walked up the steps, and pondered how unsettled tonight could possibly make me as I carefully pressed the button for the doorbell. It didn't take long at all for someone to answer, but in that period of time where I was waiting on the front porch, I wondered who would answer. My heart longed for it to be Angel, but I wasn't surprised when it was someone else who greeted me. 

Instead, Molly had answered the door, and when she saw it was me, her face lit up and she enthusiastically threw her arms around me in a short-lived, but incredibly tight hug. I almost lost my balance, admittedly, caught off guard by the sudden weight thrown at me. Yes, my heart undoubtedly longed for it to be Angel, but I suppose this was close enough. I didn't feel like I could breathe until Molly let go, adjusting myself after she had, glancing to the relatively short demon in front of me. Of course, Molly was pleased as ever at the moment, a smile on her face as she straightened her composure. "I'm so glad you could make it, Alastor. Admittedly, I've looked forward to tonight, I think it will be nice for us all to get together." Molly wasn't ashamed of her enthusiasm, something about her current happy-go-lucky nature causing soft chuckles to leave me as she stepped aside, and I slid past her and inside. "Mm, you may have just jinxed it." Yet, I didn't mean it literally, yet as if on cue, the murderer of the happy atmosphere dared show it's thorn embedded crown.

I'm positive Molly and I became completely silent at the same time, about as we heard Angel's distant voice, sourced from some impossible location, mixed with someone else's, who sounded significantly older. I'd allow three guesses for who that could be. I missed the first thing said, but Angel followed it up with a frustrated "don't you dare bring him into this!", and yet my interest piqued, my ear twitching as both me and Molly listened, and she almost looked... distraught, worried a little. Angel's remark got a low reply of "you'll regret that, Angel, believe me," who exactly were they talking about? Arackniss maybe? I hadn't the slightest clue, but I could confidently say some italian curse rolled off Angel's tongue after a thud. In response, Molly flinched and inhaled a shaky breath.

Shortly after, it was quiet, but I'm sure I could hear Molly's heart beating, and notably her small shoulders were tense. She gave a nervous giggle, looking down. "Sorry, uhm... I think I'm going to go check on how dinner is coming along, care to join me?" The small demon hesitantly inquired, trying to distract from whatever just happened. I was far from distracted, in fact, I was tempted to decline, to go find Angel to make sure he was okay, he didn't sound okay, and so help me if that noise was him getting hurt by that absolute wreck of a man- "Sure," I responded, after a small breath. Alas, I had to tame the beast, the anger bubbling in my chest, about as I relaxed my composure.

We were both eerily quiet as Molly lead me to the kitchen, and I could only assume she asked because it was Arackniss cooking, and she intended to place me in the company of someone familiar to take away from whatever just happened. How could I think of anything else? Especially as we passed pictures and such, most of which were of the three of them, either in individual, artistic, professionally taken photos, or they were together, but notably, their nightmarish father was in very few, and most of the ones he was in, he was pictured beside a rather elegant and beautiful woman, who Molly and Angel heavily resembled. I'm guessing that had to be their mother, it was a safe assumption. There were notably very few pictures with her in it, which almost made my guess feel more bitter, but I'd understand if I was right. I wonder if it was Angel's doing, or his father's request to have such little reminders of her. It could go either way. It didn't matter, but I at least had evidence of where the twins got their looks from, because they didn't resemble Henry much at all, even though Arackniss did. Where they had white hair and gentle pink accents here and there, Arackniss had black hair, much like Henry, and darker markings that littered his skin. I suppose the thought simply interested me since I met Angel, as well as his siblings, because the three of them had an unfair perfection from head to toe, but especially Angel, he was gorgeous in the most cruel way, and it made me wonder where his angelic looks spawned from. Arguably, me and Angel are worlds apart when it comes to appearances, while he looks innocent and tempting, I was given mostly my father's rotten genes, like the unnatural skin tone, and sharp features, yet my mother has always appeared significantly softer, sweeter, and I envy her for that, as well as Angel, because he too appears soft, to the sinister extent of being painfully fragile. It makes me want to drop everything to take care of him, to an actual painful extent, which I've never understood. Deep inside of me, in a box I've long since abandoned, are feelings of compassion, that Angel released without care for how it'd permanently change me. A shameful urge to never let him wander too far away from me. I'll die before I figure out how to tame these ruthless feelings. 

\---

I remember how I heard the sounds of Molly's infectious laughter, and that was what coaxed me towards the kitchen when I had initially planned to drift off to somewhere significantly different for a short, quickly passing moment. I leaned against the doorway, only to be greeted by Arackniss, Molly, and Alastor having a ridiculous discussion. Alastor was busy helping Arackniss with something, while Molly was rendered useless because the before mentioned deer demon was intentionally attempting to make her laugh, and succeeding with ease. There was either faint sighs from Arackniss, or he too was guilty of chuckling, his pride letting him enjoy the moment on occasion. It was all music to my ears, and distracted me from the lingering sting I still felt deep down, yet, it was over too soon, when my intuition was begging me to move, when I got the sickening feeling that Alastor was just about to notice I was here. My luck would be that he could somehow smell me, he always remarked that my smell was distinct, but in this moment, right now, he is better off oblivious to my presence, neither him or my siblings should have the burden of dealing with me. I felt like time came to a halt as I noticed that he started to move, and with it, I stepped away from the doorway, pressing my back to the wall. I remember how things continued with a ethereal ebb and flow, and how a smile crept onto my face as the three of them continued on as they were. My heart longed to be part of it, but with reluctance, I moved on, they are better without me, aren't they? I won't be the one to murder the harmony.

I decided to head to the dining room, and wait there, where I'd ideally be alone. I know why I was so quick to leave, I was subconsciously avoiding Alastor, and his agonizing way of seeing through my moods like they were nothing. He always sounded so gentle when he would ask 'what's wrong?' or 'what's on your mind?', and I wasn't emotionally equipped to handle that right now. Time painfully blurred when I stopped, leaning against one of the dining room walls, sucking in a sharp breath. I closed my eyes, counting every second that passed until eventually I lost count, entirely because I ended up hopelessly sidetracked. There it was, on repeat in my head, like some twisted echo, and somehow I could perfectly hear how my father said it; 'Maybe Alastor is what's wrong with you, ever since he became part of your life, you've been even more disappointing'. Yet, in the moment, I wasn't even registering what he said about me specifically, I was more angry over the fact that he dared say Smiles' name at all, and for that reason, I am still mad. If I told Alastor what he said, he'd brush it off, he has incredibly thick skin. I wish I could relate, but I don't have the same strength, or any at all. I'm too sensitive, and flinch at every little thing coming towards me if it's moving quick enough. I spent enough time hiding in tight spaces as a child that I gave myself vicious claustrophobia. I can't decide what's worse, you're free to take your pick. 

By now, I was so selfishly stuck on myself, and my thoughts, that I narrowly noticed Arackniss coming into the room, and begin setting everything up on the table, which, Alastor wasn't far behind him, he gave a soft hum when his eyes settled on me. However, before he could say anything, Arackniss beat him to it. "Ah, Angel, you're already here. Good. I'm going to go find dad, and I'm sure Molly will be just a moment, she ran upstairs to get something." Arackniss didn't even hesitate to slice me open with his harsh gaze, as he gave me a once over, and I could only manage to shyly pry my eyes off of him. "Okay." I replied weakly - I sounded horrid. I ended up glancing up to him again to watch him pass by me, giving a weighted sigh a brief moment after he was gone. 

I know Alastor was watching my every move, being creepy, trying to figure out whatever he was this time - probably something involving me. "Sorry I didn't say hey when you got here. I was busy with something. It's nice to see you..." I spoke, feeling a bit insecure about my altered truth. When I finally found the bravery to look at Alastor, he raised an eyebrow, I'm sure, his ear twitching with doubt. "You were busy? Is that the lie you're going with?" He asked with an unwavering tone, one that was flat, and empty of any feeling. I couldn't help but frown at the implication that he knew what happened, that he managed to catch it somewhat, my eyebrows furrowing as my own expression became incredibly sorrowful. "Yeah." I didn't miss how Alastor's gaze softened, and he gave a soft 'tch', glancing away. "It's nice to see you too, I just wish you weren't so afraid of being honest." His tone gained a delicate touch, in the vain attempt to keep it from hurting me. I didn't know what to say, and spent long enough trying to figure out that Arackniss had the time to get my father into the room, and Molly came rushing into the room after them. 

I felt my father's judgemental glare for a brief moment. It was probably what I was wearing, or the look on my face, it could be anything - It could be everything. Trying to dismiss it, I opted to take a seat, Molly already beating everyone else to it, the both of us unintentionally blocking out the brief exchange of formal greetings between Alastor and my dad, before they joined us at the table. Arackniss was delayed too, finishing up a few things before clearing his throat softly to break the silence then carefully getting situated himself. With everything served elegantly, my attention was much easier to focus on that, than the incoherent conversation happening around me. Brief exchanges and my father asking invasive questions about Alastor. "So, how did you end up at Rosewood Academy if you aren't particularly... financially suited for it?" Dad asked him, with a subtle undertone of judgment, which Alastor handled beautifully. Despite his narrowed eyes, he flashed a ridiculously charming smile, and there were his incredible dimples. "I got sought out by the school itself. I did splendidly at my old school, so Rosewood offered me the opportunity to attend." Alastor shot back with ease, evidently not intimidated. "I see. Did you always live in this area? From something you said a moment ago, you hinted that you lived somewhere else before highschool." I was left to assume that whatever dad was talking about, it was something I missed when I was spacing out. Dad had no issues prying, with his gaze intensely settled on Al'. "I used to live in Louisiana, I grew up there. My family is pretty much entirely French, so my grandparents moved from france to Louisiana, and well, I was born and raised there." Alastor elaborated, and I found myself lost in the details about his heritage, because that fascinated me. I could barely resist asking Alastor how many pet alligators he has had. Dad also seemed interested in this, raising an eyebrow. "When the twins were about four, Arackniss being about five and a half, we lived in Italy, but moved to the states and lived in New York, so truly, they grew up there. We only moved here when Arackniss started highschool, so naturally the twins ended up finishing middle school here." Somehow, Alastor found that interesting enough to listen intently, while Arackniss groaned quietly thinking about something or another. "Don't remind me, Angel was a bloody nightmare in middle school. He was a chaotic gremlin, and Molly for whatever reason always participated in his shenanigans. Dad never wanted to deal with it when the school called, so I had to deal with him." Arackniss complained, narrowing his eyes at me briefly, while Alastor began to chuckle, amused by his rant. "How adorable." Al' ended up responding softly.

I think I began tuning it out again after that, more captivated by not eating. I wasn't hungry in the least, my appetite shot after earlier. It wasn't that Arackniss wasn't a good cook, he was, especially after he took an interest even more last year, but I simply couldn't bring myself to eat. It was all horribly fading together, the conversation was. I missed how we got onto the topic, but Molly's face lit up when a thought popped into her head. "Alastor, has Angel ever told you the stories from when the three of us went to camp in middle school?" She asked excitedly. Alastor thought about it, then answered her simply. "Hm, no, I don't think so." 'Oh no, here we go.' my mind unhelpfully supplied. I ended up reaching up to my ear, anxiously playing with my earrings as I waited for Molly and Arackniss to rant about the glorious time known as camp. Arackniss and I somehow managed to glance at each other, and I'm sure if he was asked, he could tell you the exact second my soul left my body - and I could easily recall the very second that I saw the start of an evil look bloom on his face. This would be, in fact, the moment my siblings flayed me open for the sake of amusement. Molly was very excited about this opportunity, taking a moment to decide what she wanted to humiliate me with first. She figured it out eventually, her entire expression conveying an endless waterfall of happiness spilling from inside of her. "I'm sure Arackniss still has the video of it somewhere, but regardless, me and him got there separately from Angel, who, when he saw me for the first time in a little while, ran over to me, and jumped onto me. It was ridiculous. I had to hold him for a solid three minutes before he finally let go. My arms ended up so sore later that day." Of course, it's not my fault she managed to keep her balance, we both could have ended up on the ground and I'd be fine - perhaps her less so, but still - it isn't my fault. Alastor managed to chuckle, heedless of the embarrassment coloring my cheeks. It was only because it was /him/, here listening to Molly's tale. I was confident in one thing, if it was anyone else, Molly probably would have gotten a 'yeah, so?' or some other snippy remark, and I'd feel content with the things I decide to do, heedless of whether or not it may be frozen in time forever.

Ever since Alastor graced my life, that changed, I'm much more conscious, and have suppressed the unyielding want to never let him become disappointed or embarrassed by me, I stopped saying some of the things I used to out loud, under the fear of annoying him. It doesn't matter what he says about me, I'm under his spell. He's in fact, the siren. Idly, I studied him, watching his expressions, the way he communicated with my siblings with ease, clever with everything he did, everything he said. /Isn't that maybe just a little unfair?/ "Or there was the time he was helping one of the camp counselors and ended up getting completely drenched in murky water. May or may not have a picture of that one." Arackniss suddenly spoke, his expression becoming emotionless once more, and all I could do was get even more shamefully quiet as my cheeks heated up, becoming a bright red. I definitely missed what came next, whatever I neglected to hear. It was a blurry mess once more, and I was mentally distant enough that time slid by quietly, without a goodbye. Before I knew it, Arackniss was standing up and starting the process of clearing the table, while Molly and Alastor continued to talk about whatever, it didn't matter to me, I was content with watching as I tried to quiet my thoughts down some. In that time, I was studying his face once more and... what's this? Alastor suddenly halted the conversation when an eery crimson began to drip from his nose, and he lifted a hand and pressed a finger to the area of question, only to confirm that he /most certainly/ had a nosebleed. With a soft sigh, he used a hand to stop the noxious fluid from getting on anything, and stood up. With a soft inhale from Molly, and raised eyebrows, she quickly stood up herself. "Let's get you to the bathroom," She spoke in a rushed tone, and Alastor only offered a soft apology before they both left the room... leaving me alone with... him.

I was about to offer to take care of Alastor myself, I really was, but Molly beat me to it, and unknowingly made me start to suffocate. I could feel his eyes on me, and my chest got a sudden tightness, a subtle stitch in my chest. I forgot how to breathe before I knew it, and panic flooded my body as I came to that realization, my eyes suddenly becoming wide, I felt terrified. I felt like I also forgot how to move, I didn't want to, and did so badly at the same time. I felt like I wanted to cry, but was terrified of anyone else seeing, or my father giving harsh remarks because I started to, so I forced it down, I just kept repeating 'it's okay, you're okay' to myself, trying to talk myself through it, and made subtle progress, about when he put me out of my misery, and broke the dam. "Alastor is quite interesting, but you know, he's going to get tired of you. He's going to abandon you when he sees what insufferable thing dwells beneath. I hope for his sake, he sees it soon." He spoke, basically twisting anything in my stomach into a knot. There was a flood, one that started from my eyes and made me feel like I was soaking wet in seconds, even if it was far from true. "Is he...?" I couldn't help but ask, finally looking at him, to see the judgement and disappointment that waited for me there. I felt my heart break, and a million questions started to piece themselves together at the front of my mind. /Is he right? What if he's right? What will I do if he's right? Please, Alastor, I'm begging for him to not be right/. 

If that was the case, I don't think I'd blame Al', but also, I couldn't forgive it either. I wanted dad to answer me, but he failed to before Alastor returned, Molly being absent, but I was too focused on wiping the tears off my face to put more than that initial observation towards it. I sniffled, trying to bottle the tears, to make these horrible feelings subside for a moment, but it was pointless, and gave me feelings of shame when Alastor definitely noticed. He raised an eyebrow, creeping over to me as he leaned somewhat on the table, then carefully leaning forward somewhat and cleverly snaking a finger or two under my chin, forcing me to look at him at once. I was met with a concerned expression, and eyes that featured a thin, delicate gloss, as he spoke in the gentlest, sweetest tone I had ever heard from him. "What's the matter?" He asked me quietly, not caring in the least that my father was present, which I couldn't understand. Alastor insisted that, he was in fact, shameless to taking care of me then and there. I couldn't help but be the complete opposite, and try to lie my way out of this one. "Nothing is, I'm fine, Smiles. I just uh... I got something in my eye." I quickly thought that one up, it being the most convincing lie I could tell, but he must have known better, because Alastor's suddenly sharp eyes said what he wouldn't out loud. 'No you did not'. He processed for a moment, closing his eyes briefly he straightened himself, offering a hand to help me up, before giving my father an icy glare. "Pardon me, I need to borrow Angel for a moment." Alastor suddenly switched his attention to my father, gripping my hand loosely after I accepted his assistance. I don't know if he was aware, but I saw the way he looked at my father, delivering a silent threat of sorts. If looks could kill, he just decapitated him, and set what remained ablaze. I also saw the way my father narrowed his eyes, but to Alastor it was nothing, and he didn't budge from his stance in the least. I couldn't protest - not that I wanted to, but Alastor had lead me out of the room, and my heart failed to beat.

\---

Angel was a ghost, he died while I was away and now he's haunting me, playing with my heart in ways that prevent me from being mad at him for his crimes. It was every soft noise he made that put pins and needles deep into my skin, shattering my composed exterior. I know I looked worried. It was every time he sniffled, or when he'd take a shaky breath. In this moment, Angel felt cold, like he was worlds apart from me, even if he was only beside. I hated how his touch sent chills up my spine with the way he hesitated to hold my hand, and even if I had tightened my hold by now, he loosened his so much more. /Mon cher, whatever could he have said to you that caused so much damage? What would he do to you if you were honest? ...Perhaps, it's one of those things I'm better off not knowing/.

It didn't feel like Angel hated me, but he almost acted timid, incredibly afraid of something that he could see in the dark, but I couldn't. Whatever would I do if I borrowed his eyes? It felt like Angel somehow drifted further into that dangerous state when we got to his room. He gave the heaviest sigh, then reluctantly freed his hand from mine, before going over to his bed with the most vacant look in his eyes, crawling onto it before collapsing onto the soft bedding. Angel stopped moving completely after he moved onto his back, closing his suddenly empty eyes. /We don't have to talk, but I can't let you avoid me, I couldn't live with myself if I simply let you play whatever dangerous game you're playing/.

I decided I'd simply have to weigh him down, metaphorically, keep him still, and force him to remember that I'm always willing to listen, that his skeletons and other ghouls weren't something I feared. I can handle his worst, if only he knew that. I'd just do what always seemed to work with Angel, and that was be close. I could do that. Angel was naive, and gave me the perfect opportunity to. I ended up joining him on his bed, before I got situated similarly, using his small stomach as a pillow. Angel squeaked softly, suddenly opening his eyes I'd assume, but he didn't act like I made him uncomfortable, and that was a good sign.

I swore that if I got still enough, and so did he, I could hear his heart, trying to settle in his chest, which gently moved with every breath he took. "Smiles...-" He ended up choking out, inhaling sharply as he reluctantly got comfortable, awkwardly, i'd add. He seemed to struggle to find our usual rhythm, like someone had thrown some new components into the harmony and made him confused, but eventually he relaxed, finding the courage to carefully play with my hair as I'd assume his eyes studied the ceiling. Personally, my arms rested across my stomach, and I crossed my legs at my ankles, incredibly content, I just hoped Angel felt the same. "I hope you're comfortable, I don't intend to move." I spoke, finally responding to him, a touch dryly. It was easy for me to notice how he definitely struggled to evenly breathe, he was trying, but I could tell Angel was incredibly nervous, his movements slightly... jittery. "I'm so aware of my breathing all of a sudden, you make me want to hold my breath, so I don't disturb you," Angel quietly replied, which I could only give a scoff to. "Don't be ridiculous. Just relax." I dismissed, my mind slipping to a lethal place - wondering what was on his mind, what I was missing. It could be anything, and asking felt invasive.

I pondered new tactics for a brief period, Angel taking what I said to heart, and attempting to relax. He was still struggling, but letting go a little more, and that shamefully made me happy. It made the aching parts of me start to ease. I think I eventually figured it out, opting to try distracting him from whatever was on his mind. Of course, the only distraction I could think of was a bit... gloomy, but I had nothing to lose. "Hm, so, I saw pictures of your mother earlier. She was beautiful. Your outrageous charm suddenly makes sense." I think now it was my turn to be nervous, hoping the mention of his mother wouldn't upset him, because I know that topic is... sensitive, but Angel was graceful with his response, and as rude as it may come across, I didn't expect that. Angel gave a saddened hum, but he didn't seem too upset, he was handling this okay. "Yeah? Hm... I sometimes wonder how she'd feel about my decisions, if she'd be proud of me..." Angel weakly admitted, letting himself suddenly become vulnerable. I ended up raising an eyebrow as I listened to him, unable to stop myself from asking him the obvious question. "Do you worry she wouldn't be?" I ended up inquiring, hoping the question didn't bother him too much. Angel took longer to respond, getting much quieter for awhile, he was calculating his reply, figuring out exactly what to say. Maybe he was debating exactly how vulnerable to be. "...Absolutely. Uhm... For example, there are times when I had considered dropping out of highschool. It's a lot. Sometimes being there makes me feel like I'm drowning, like I don't have what it takes." Of course, when this registered, my eyes opened, a subtle shock setting in. 'Like I don't have what it takes'... that's simply absurd. "I hope you never do, cher. I've become incredibly fond of the idea of us going to college together." I subtly noted, struggling to admit that fact, but managing to put it out there, giving room for vulnerability. 

Angel suddenly inhaled, acting as if I caught him off guard with that one, which I couldn't quite understand. He wasn't messing with my hair as much anymore, a touch frozen. "...You actually think about those things?" He timidly asked me, almost sounding embarrassed - so I suppose that made two of us. "Always, I don't think there's a life for me that strays from you, which is kind of terrifying to admit." I carefully answered, assuming I must have sounded ridiculous, but Angel didn't give me the feeling that he thought so too - instead, I think he was overwhelmed, but in a sort of... strange way, he felt like he was pleased, almost relaxed by that confession. The main tip off was him relaxing some again, and resuming his idle activity of messing with my hair. I think that's the best sign. "So you... want me to always be in your life?" Angel asked in the most pathetic tone, sounding more anxious than he ever had, asking something like that.

I was surprised, sure. It was a sudden thing to ask, but a question I was already equipped for. "Til death do us part, but what makes you ask?" I wasn't oblivious to the shaky sigh of relief, which confused me slightly, but I chose to not question his suspicious reply. "No reason, assume it's just simple curiosity..." I swear I could feel his nervous giggles, a subtle movement, barely felt above the rest. Quickly, Angel changed topics, to evade the suspicion, I'd assume. "So uh... You mentioned my mother, and it reminded me of something... interesting I guess." Angel offered quietly, I could imagine he was hoping I'd settle for his distraction... Mm, I think I will, it's not all bad, and hopefully later I can piece together the twisted puzzle in front of me, which is whatever happened when everyone was gone, what fell upon deaf ears earlier. I could feel the careful movements of my hair still being playing with by him, I assumed it was somewhat a nervous tic, which a part of me hoped not, as silly as that would sound. "Enlighten me, Ange'." I encouraged, waiting patiently for whatever he had to say, unable to anticipate that it'd somehow make me worry for him more. 

Angel emitted another delicate hum, tensing slightly as he reorganized his thoughts I think. "My mom originally wanted to name me Minou when she found out she was having twins? So it would be Minou and Molly. My dad insisted on Angel, however, saying it was more fitting, just not for the reasons my mother believed." Angel rambled, taking a shaky breath after that, and I was a bit unsure what to say at first, mostly because it was simply... heavy. What do you say to that? 'Sorry your dad is inconsiderate?' that'd certainly be a place to start, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like how Angel implied that he was ashamed of his name, or like his father's decision was somehow justified. I think he hoped I'd agree with his failure of a father, perhaps. "That's sort of sad, but as ironic as it may be, you're angelic to every sense of the word, your name is incredibly fitting, for all of the unintended reasons." I cleverly responded, genuinely, hoping to take hold of Angel's perspective of his own unfortunate being, his own essence, down to his shameful name, well... what was shameful to those who didn't know him well enough. My observations felt like common knowledge at this point - I hoped so. Angel evidently didn't believe so, his breathing once more jittery, but he focused on settling himself, his lungs on overdrive for a moment as he steadied himself. I didn't miss the weak scoff, or Angel's reply that lagged behind it. "I hope so." 

Angel was quite unfortunate. He was given a beautiful name, with a rotten definition attached. He was given the most pathetic father, and a mother who had to leave him too soon. Yet, easily, the most unfortunate thing was his own mind, which sabotaged his happiness at every turn. Angel had a unique presence, one so strong that it stole your soul, your very essence, yet that very captivating, beautiful demon, was an absolute wreck mentally, and easily, that was what made him the most unfortunate thing about his own life. I could only hope that I could fix that, but that was a tough job. Angel was broken in the most complex way, and I'd likely cut my hands on his jagged edges many times before I got anywhere close, but having smooth, flawless skin was overrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to refer to this excerpt as "Angel is bad at feelings, but so is Alastor so it's okay" 
> 
> Abuse obviously isn't okay, no matter the kind. Angel's father is supposed to be portrayed as an unfuckable prick canoe.
> 
> It gets better, I promise.
> 
> alSO, before anyone says "his canon human name was anthony", yada yada yada- You're absolutely right, I hear you, but I'm sticking with Minou. You can't reason with me, this is the hill I'm dying on, and this is the hill I died on before that was even revealed- (Let me have my fun headcanons of IN THEORY, Molly and Angel sharing first initials)  
> 
> 
> Mauerbauertraurigkeit describes the urge to push people away, even friends, so on- Even if you really like them.


	14. Kuebiko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> AngEL IS BaD At FeElinGs pt.420 (haha xd rofl)
> 
> This will sound bad, but pls feel gut punched by this "chapter"

Ethereal is the perfect word. It encompasses exactly what I think about Angel, in potentially the most evil way. I didn't want to hurt him, and yet that was exactly all I could ever vividly imagine. Clawing his stomach open, and watching the ribbons of blood sickeningly stain his clothes, his hair, maybe even his skin. I could imagine soft choking, the sounds of him spitting up blood from the torture. Angel was pure, and incredibly fragile, and sometimes when I looked at him, I got lucky. I'd simply be able to admire his adorable features, or his precious smile - specifically the one that presented one of his flaws, the gap in his two front teeth, but this wasn't a bad thing, it made it all that much cuter. Other times, misfortune lingered in the dark corners, and all I could imagine was tearing into his chest, and ripping out his barely beating heart - linger on the feeling of it pulsating in my hand, while he laid there, dying. I'd never actually do those things, I'd go so far as to say they are absolutely horrid things to imagine, but they plagued me, they were thoughts I couldn't shake, as badly as I wanted to. Maybe it was telling me something I didn't understand, like that Angel was actually dying, in ways I wasn't imagining. 

I couldn't help but wonder about that, as my arm had the consistent pressure of his head resting on it, as we both laid here, staring at the ceiling and listening to the storm raging outside, listening to the subtle noise of rain hitting the roof. I imagined my arm would go numb at a certain point. Once in awhile, I'd feel Angel move the littlest bit, but he hadn't said anything for awhile now. It wasn't that simple, it never was with him, if his words weren't filling the dead space, his thoughts were loud enough for someone to go completely deaf. The weight this question had, well, I'd consider this a butterfly effect situation, but in this moment, my world wasn't splitting just yet, I couldn't know, so here I was, asking it. "Is something on your mind?" I inquired, feeling Angel shift the littlest bit, assumedly to look at me, I think I caught it out of the corner of my eye, faintly, before I closed them. One could only prepare for snow, only to be impaled by ice. 

Angel emitted a whine, I pictured a sharp inhale, as he decided whether or not he felt more like lying today. He was an excellent liar, and the most dangerous thing was he knew that, so he lied about a lot of things. "I don't know. I guess I'm just... Okay, bear with me here." It was then that he actually took in a deep breath, his small frame tensing some, I could feel it from his shoulders. "I was thinking about Vee', and then a past relationship of mine that he helped me get out of, then I had sort of... an unsettling realization... I noticed that I... Don't think I'm capable of truly loving anyone." Angel's own tone more or less conveyed disappointment, laced by fear. Yet as he sat up, and shifted to face me better, and I grimaced and sat up myself, glancing to him, I didn't take it well. I felt a sting, especially as I saw the look on his face, and the seriousness of this set in. I had to glance away, furrowing my brows, unable to look at him for a moment. "I think you're lying," I know how I sounded, which is why I'm positive he didn't react harshly, or offended. "But... I'm not, Smiles. I'm not lying." The small demon argued, crossing his arms loosely. I couldn't help but sigh heavily, splaying my hand over the lower half of my face for a moment. "Uhm... Alright. What makes you say that?" I asked, my voice threatened to waver, and reveal the secrets I was holding close at the moment. It wasn't that I wanted to cause Angel any pain by I suppose... belittling his feelings, but what he said wasn't easy to hear. I think I still feel that sting. "I so badly want to love someone, to be loved, but I'm not sure I could handle it. I don't think I can." Angel weakly choked that first part out, sorting his thoughts. When I finally glanced to him, I watched how his irises slowly moved. "Y'know, I pierced my ears like crazy 'cause I wanted my father's attention, but it had no success. I don't know why I want his attention - his love so bad, he's a nasty man. The only reason my mom loved him was because he broke her. He broke her so bad mentally that she couldn't leave him. He's why I'm scared to love anyone." When he elaborated on what I'd say is the true source of his feelings, he paused once more, but this time forced himself to quickly add his last point. "I can't remember a time in the majority of my childhood when I felt loved, I'm positive I don't know how to love someone." The room became terrifyingly silent, because I was lost in thought, trying to untangle my emotional ones from the logical, and I know my own expression more or less conveyed I didn't. I knew what my problem was, I was frustrated that Angel felt a way I knew too well. That all changed when I met him, with the way he smiled at me, tempting me closer until he could reach me, then he struck. If Angel wanted you, you couldn't avoid him, and as days passed, I discovered that he could drown anyone with unsettling ease. Angel was inevitable. Caring about him was too. Angel made me realize that I could love something, even if my love was riddled with faults. Yet, in this moment, I felt conflicted, because it made me wonder what all this time had been to him. /I wanted him to be lying, just this once/.

In the moment, I genuinely missed a subtle hint, one that would tell me something far different than what the petite demon had said. "Please say something..." Angel spoke in a sorrowful tone, I think the silence from me was killing him, but I didn't even realize I got lost in my thoughts that long. I could only shake my head a little, feeling the most that I had in a long time. "Let me ask you something, Angel," I spoke in a lower tone, watching as he sharply looked at me. "...what am I, to you?" There was a small flicker of pain in his eyes when I asked, and I saw his chest slowly rise, from him sucking in a very sharp breath. "...You're my Smiles, what else? Why are you asking? You know I care about you-" Angel rambled, his brows furrowing in a faint despair. "No no, Angel, seriously. All this time has passed, we've been basically inseparable, I don't believe that you can't love, you have no other reason to be here." I harshly responded, watching as he got a more sorrowful expression as he got up. "I know how it sounds, but I...-" He stopped all of sudden. "I don't want to do this right now." Angel suddenly decided, before he opted to leave. Of course I objected to this, getting up and immediately going after him. "Absolutely not, you aren't just dropping this." I harshly demanded. It didn't take long for Angel to reach the front door, and I watched him hesitate. I didn't know why, I was clueless to what caused him to linger, and fade slightly when he put his hand on the doorknob, all after grabbing what he had left downstairs. I wondered if it was the weather, or maybe it was the fear of what would happen the second he stepped outside. 

Eventually Angel found the courage he needed, not giving me any answers, and evidently opting to not slow down. Heedless of the storm, he willingly stepped into it, and I watched as he became drenched before long at all, his small frame trembling slightly, which I guess was from the build up of his emotions. I had evidence to support that guess, I swear I heard soft sobs, which made my composure soften as I too found the courage to step outside. Not long after I did, Angel whipped around, and even if the weather made it impossible to tell, something told me he really was crying, maybe his expression, or the way his nails dug into his palms. "What do you want from me?!" Angel finally snapped, but his tone was weak, and betrayed him, conveying things differently than how he planned. The answer was simple, and he knew what I'd say, I'm sure. "I want you to be honest, Angel. You're a liar. You refuse to acknowledge that this means more to you than you let on." Yet, despite how I know I softened, I was also aching inside because of him - deeply, and that pain made it easier to neglect him, and continue to be cold. Yet there was a look on his face that was more cruel, a look of pain. The expression of someone who was terrified. I crossed my arms as I watched his small form tremble more. 

It was unfair how even right now, Angel looked perfect. Even as he shook from fear and possibly from being absolutely freezing, even as water endlessly dripped from the tips of his hair. Even as he died. Angel shook his head a little, looking down as a thought must of crossed his mind. His hands balled into fists and he closed his eyes for a moment. If I had any idea what he was about to utter, maybe my world wouldn't have split, but in this moment, Angel got still, aside from the vicious shaking his body forced upon him, before he dug his eyes into my soul, and his face showed an intense pain. "...You mean nothing to me. You've been nothing but something for me to play with." He lied perfectly. I could recount back to the very second his heart broke... or maybe it was mine, all I know is there was a break. Angel couldn't choke down his sobs any longer, and began to cry quite hard. However, instead of sticking around, Angel then left, and I felt a pain I had never felt before. One so intense that my whole body ached, and intense chills ran up my spine. I scoffed, looking down for a moment then eventually closed my eyes, hearing the subtle noises of Angel's car somehow through the obnoxious rain.

I felt like I could cry to, I'd admit that it really hurt. I was suffering a heartbreak unlike any other, and what made the wound deeper was the mere fact that I knew he was lying, but he was smart, and knew exactly what to say to try to convince us both of his tale. Angel's goal was to say something painful enough to make me hate him. That way, I'd be basically the reason things died here and now, and he wouldn't have to admit how scared he was. It didn't mean this was painless, however, this was the most hurt I had felt in a very long time, even if I knew he was lying. Angel was in fact, set on killing me, or perhaps saying something that would.

I knew why this scared me. Angel had quickly become the only person I cared so deeply about, and honestly I could never even begin to explain how, or why, but he shifted my world upside down within weeks, which were long, and filled with my refusal to get close at all, but when I did - when he forced me to, I felt a deep love for him, and wanted to be in his life. Consider it stockholm syndrome, perhaps. Maybe it was his smile, or the way his eyes reflected the sun's own energy, maybe it was the way he'd have deep conversations; where we'd contemplate the value of how much we really mattered, or how he'd insist on me going places with him late at night for the sole purposes of getting completely lost for a few hours. I didn't know exactly what did it, but Angel was it for me, and it terrified me that he was doing this, so much that I felt speechless. I think I entered a state of faint shock, replaying things in my head over and over again entirely just to torment myself with it, as I slowly turned around and went inside. I headed to the bathroom and got a towel, then I remember heading to the living room, and sinking into the couch as I dried my hair. As I lingered there, it hit me - it was an incredibly subtle hint, but Angel spoiled it. It wasn't that he couldn't love, he was afraid to love. I couldn't say why, I don't ever know what's truly making circles in his mind, but I wondered if it was the fear of mirroring his father, the fear of becoming a plague to those he cared about; killing them so softly. Angel wasn't his father, he was far gentler, so much more loving, and when he found the few people he truly cared about, he cared so much that he could die. 

I knew why the feelings could scare him, though. Love is terrifying at it's best, and absolute murder at its worst. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I know he loves me, he wouldn't have freaked out if he didn't, and even if I'm aching because of him, maybe a bit bitter, still, I can't deny that it doesn't change a thing. 

I'm scared too, Angel, but I love you too, more than you could ever understand, and in ways that you certainly don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also known as Alastor sighing in aromantic.
> 
> Kuebiko refers to a state of exhaustion after acts of senseless violence.


	15. Nodus Tollens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel's point of view.
> 
> Trigger warning: Mention of drug usage, and someone being reduced to a violent state because of said drugs, as well as Angel implying suicidal thoughts.

Deep inside myself, I was on fire, and the remains of my organs forced me to cough them up. I was greeted by ash, and the realization that at this rate, my life would be cut short. Maybe I was doing something wrong, and this horrible fate was my punishment. Not even maybe, I guess I had, even if I wanted to blame this on Alastor. I was ashamed of the part of me that was too prideful, that demanded he break under the pressure before I do, the part of me that sought out ways to make him jealous, just as a way of punishing him. I think Husk was worried about Smiles, if I had to guess from every time he grilled me about the nightmarish split. From that impression alone, I could assume I didn't need to even do this to Smiles, he was doing it to himself. /Will you be okay, Alastor? I may have freaked out because of the pace of things - because of how quickly things evolved between us, but I'd rather die than be responsible for your pain. I want to stop/. 

I isolated myself further from everyone I knew after the fight, I just wanted space, and Husk noticed eventually. I didn't want to assume he cared, but I was hoping that was what it was, when he showed up in the hallway, leaning against the locker beside mine, waiting for me to acknowledge him. About as he started to grow impatient, I shut the before mentioned locker, glancing to the taller demon. Husk had his yellow, cat-like eyes shut, as he gave a disinterested hum. "You do realize that your petty tactics are working, right? When Alastor saw that little display the other day, he immediately demanded I meet him in the hall. After I pried a little, he was tripping over his guts." Husk cleverly left out what specifically Alastor said, some kind of unspoken secrecy. I wouldn't ask, it was clearly something neither of them wanted me to know, and yet... that on it's own made me feel hopeless, sad. I used to be in on everything going on with Smiles, the sudden change hurt, and I was the one who pulled the trigger to begin with. I choked down the sorrow, enough to force a scoff, looking down as I crossed my arms. "...So? I'm sure he's fine... I just tested his limits a little. Besides, I haven't been around anyone today, so that's good enough, right?" I really wanted to take it back when I put it put there, just because I knew how it sounded, but Husk didn't react to harshly, just with a heavy sigh, judging me with his lackluster eyes by now. "I don't care what it is, I just want you to stop, Angel. It's hurting both of you, and I'd never tell Al' this but it hurts to see him like that." Husk flayed me open right here, right now, and all I could do was sharply inhale, feeling a subtle pain lace my chest. 

It wasn't that he was wrong, or that I was too selfish to confidently tell myself that I was being problematic to the both of us right now, but saying it out loud? Not happening, it was absolutely humiliating to imagine, and made the agonizing sensation in my chest intensify. I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to ignore the subtle sting. I could only nervously swallow, unable to look at Husk, but I felt his eyes digging into me still, I knew he was searching - maybe for answers, maybe for a crack in my exterior to explain this all away. I hated it, I felt so vulnerable, so weak. I couldn't even find anything to say, I had absolutely nothing. Of course, Husk would never let me off so easy, not when Alastor was struggling because of me. "...You got nothing to say? No other excuses?" Husk asked, and I could imagine he raised his eyebrow, but I was far too anxious to look at him now - I didn't want to see how he was looking at me, I was afraid of it. I wouldn't call Husk protective, but he cared a lot underneath - deep down, in a harshly guarded place, beat his fragile heart, that was injected with the purest emotions, that he'd never let see the light of day, but anyone who knew him knew it was there. What a sight to see, I could imagine, Alastor must know he's lucky. Then again, it /is/ Alastor, he might not care.

I don't know, I couldn't think straight, I felt so distressed, and wanted to just leave - that was the simple answer, right? Here's the thing though, I couldn't imagine moving. I thought about it, or what I'd say if I could, but actually doing it was far harder than it should be. I felt like Husk must have hated me, but until now I had no idea how much him liking me meant to me. I just knew it hurt, that it made me want to sink to the floor and cry. It blurred together, but I remember how the moment was beheaded, as something was thrown past me and Husk so fast that I couldn't even tell what it was, or truly register how close it had gotten, but I know I squeaked. There was yelling that was too close for comfort, and more objects thrown with unimaginable force, assisted by the abilities of whoever was responsible. It seemed like they could make things float, as well as launch them at impossible speeds, but that hardly mattered to me, it all happened too fast to even remotely understand. Husk didn't provide clarity, because I felt disoriented when he threw his arms around me, yanking me close within milliseconds of the first indescribable object being hurled at us. He stretched out his wings, shielding both of us with them as I shuddered, feeling overwhelmed. One thing stood out to me; in a barely coherent yell, I managed to catch 'It's people like him! He's the most dangerous one of us all, he's deceiving you all!' What was that supposed to mean? Was that about me? I felt like I had to be right, because more was thrown in this general direction, and Husk growled, firing back with a threat I couldn't quite understand, mostly because I didn't hear half of it, I just found myself bursting into tears as I sunk into Husk. He's protecting me and I'm not even sure why- Isn't it easier to let me get hurt? Doesn't he hate me? I can't lie, I hate myself for what I'm doing to Alastor - to us, but /I can't stop/.

I couldn't quite recall the exact moment I began to cry at first, I just remember feeling the now damp nature of my cheeks, salty tears falling as I leaned into Husk, not able to prevent what cut into me so deeply, so suddenly. I was soaking wet inside, my tears filling me up, and extinguishing the fires, but the only problem is it was filling my lungs, causing me to drown. I knew today just might kill me, but a prolonged death is the least favored option. 

I heard a loud thud, and shifted to glance in that direction, only to see the guilty demon being interrupted by teachers I didn't know, them doing their best to restrain him while they waited for assumedly more qualified people to arrive. Our eyes met, and for a moment, I was convinced I was finally suffocating. He had wide eyes, that were horribly stained by red, and for whatever reason, I could only flinch and sink further into Husk when he narrowed his unsettling eyes. There was a few issues, first of all being that he didn't look sober, I knew the look well, but I had no idea who he was. I felt uneasy, and I'd bet that somehow I'd find comfort in at least knowing who it was, but down the hall was a face, that looked like too many others, structured in a way that was horribly foreign to me.

It was then I died, turning back towards Husk properly, and cowering into him as I cried quietly, trembling terribly by now. I had my hands covering my face, to ashamed by the state I was reduced to, and maybe part of it was even the fear, the fear of the unknown, in whatever just happened. The adrenaline was tearing my body apart, making up for what it missed the chance to do to my insides. When things were under control at best, Husk loosened his hold. I'd never forget how he gripped my shoulders, pushing me back from him enough so he could look at me. I couldn't tell you what his face conveyed. Maybe disgust? Maybe embarrassment? I didn't know until he said something, and that was the longest moment. "Why... are you crying?" It was concern. He was worried about me. Could easily just be concern for how unnervingly fast I decayed, or maybe he didn't hate me, I didn't know, I just know his tone only had concern. I was ashamed of myself, the urge I couldn't fight that made me snake my arms around him, and bury my face in his chest. I can imagine that'd be easy to hate, I was uncomfortably close, but Husk didn't push me away, he gave a heavy sigh, before loosely returning the hold. /Husk, I honestly don't know why I'm crying. I think I'm afraid. I think this is fear. Fear of what I've done, or maybe fear of how I'd be hurting if you weren't here. I'm sorry that this is likely foreign to you, but I'm weak, after all/. 

I could summarize; when it rains, it pours.

The rest of the day, I was vacant. I think at one point I was bold enough to leave slightly early. I remember somehow it was revealed that the demon from before was drugged out of his mind, and that the drugs he was on were sourced from Rosewood itself. Regardless, it didn't explain why I was here, by a lake, imagining that maybe I really had died somewhere along the line. I couldn't decide if that'd be okay or not. I just know eventually I got a text, one that drained my thoughts unapologetically. Of course, something about it made me think living was a little more than okay, it made me feel less empty, there was a small flicker of hope. It was a message from Husk, one I couldn't have anticipated. 'So, Alastor heard what happened. He was really glad that you're okay. He was apparently absent when it happened.' I felt warm. I think I found a way to drain the water filling my lungs, I think I'm going to be okay, and maybe, just maybe, /we/ will be okay. 

Then again, I was never much of an optimist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nodus Tollens refers to feeling like the plot of your life doesn't even make sense to you anymore.
> 
> Soft!Husk time, baybeee


End file.
